Sabato 4 Nov 2006, 18:05
Hello.
My name is Anne and I have bought, listened to and enjoyed shitty music.
This is my story.
I'll get the three big ones out of my way.
1.) Tiffany
Listen, okay…I was a teenager. When you're fifteen thoughts of mall concerts and stupid looking jean jackets and having sex in the middle of a field are the sorts of things you dream about. Tiffany filled the void.
The saddest thing about this is…the only good song on the album was I think we're alone now and even as taste-impaired as I was at the time…I recognized this. Yet I still kept the album for a few years afterward.
2.) Out of the Blue
Incidentally, Gibson's album was actually marginally better than Tiffany's because it had more than one listenable song on it.
Where Tiffany fed our needs for jean jackets, malls and screwing in corn fields. Gibson fed our need for stupid looking hats and stretch pants, and writing songs with the help of our dad…or something. She was more wholesome than Tiffany, who was as close to a dirty slut as she could get…being a hideous, teenie bopper corporate tool and all.
3.) Step by Step
Sigh.
Yes. I actually had a New Kids album. I was a teenager in the late 80's. No girl could squeeze out of 1989 and into 1990 without feeling the slippery dirty touch of the New kids.
AND DON'T YOU DENY IT EITHER! Even if you weren't as foolish as I was, you know you listened to them on the radio at least ONCE…AND you sang along!!
To my credit though…I was ashamed of my purchase. So much so that I actually snuck the tape into the house. Six months later, when I finally came to my senses, I stuffed it in a bag of clothes destined for Goodwill to rid myself of the evidence of my weakness.
But now that I've finally confessed my sin…I feel just a little bit better.
Yeeeeeeeeeeeah.
Um. *shuffles feet* What more can I say? I liked Paula Abdul.
The year was 1992. I was really into animation. Had high hopes of someday working for Disney and I fell in love with that stupid video for Opposites Attract.
Yes. I was lured into buying this album because of a badly animated cartoon cat. So sue me!
I think what makes everything worse is…I liked this album enough to buy her second album, Spellbound. And to add insult to injury, I had a small crush on Keanu Reeves from the Rush Rush video.
Sad, really.
I so bought the hype for Hammer. I bought it enough to buy more than one pair of those stupid looking pants.
I loved my Hammer pants. I used to twirl around in them just to watch 'em puff out.
I was young. I was stupid. And I can only hope that Zeus will accept my sacrifice of live goats and virgins to ease the pain of my shame…
For several years, I managed to dodge the bad music bullet. And I think I should get a fucking medal because not only did I NOT buy into Milli Vanlli OR Vanilla Ice but I hated both of them with a burning passion.
Then came…
6.) On How Life is
I suppose I could have picked an easier target. Perhaps by admitting that I still have a Dave Matthews Band album.
But I think this one is far more important because it illustrates my dangerous impulsiveness.
I had only ever heard I try and from that one song, I decided to buy the whole damned album.
I don't think I've ever regretted a purchase more.
Maybe there are some out there that can handle Macy Gray. Maybe they enjoy having their ears raped as she warbles on and on like a drunken warlus that smokes too much. But that beer and cigarrette voice of hers only goes so far with me.
It's good for about one song. Then I get bored and move on.
Also, Sexomatic Venus Freak has got to be one of the most disturbing songs I've ever heard. I really, REALLY don't want to think about anyone who looks and sounds like Macy Gray getting it on. I especially don't want an entire song about it.
7.) Let Go
I'm not sure how the hell I managed to buy this album, much less why. I just know I have it.
I think I must have been in some kind of drug induced fugue when I bought it. Or maybe it was my evil twin…
Whoever it was, I'm puzzled as to why I have it. I think I might have liked one song off it and like a total spaz, I bought the album.
I believe my sister chided me for "Macy Graying" again. And I have to admit she's right.
Avril Lavigne isn't something sane people should toy with…but like the one ring, she infects you. No, wait. That's giving her too much credit.
She's sort of like eating raw jello mix. Sure, it sounds good in theory but once you're there…you realize it's all wrong…and that your teeth hurt…and then you feel vaguely ashamed.
Last…but certainly not least is…
8.)Spice
This one I blame my sister for.
It's her fault, really. She was a teenager when they were popular and I got all caught up in it and before you can say dodilly doodilly DOOP…I had a copy of this album.
Actually, I'm not that ashamed of having this. Sure. It's stupid, stupid music. But that's WHY I like it.
It's so bad…it's good.
Don't ask me how that works.