TL;DR: Prepare to be surprised. (skip to the end)
Since Nightwish’s last shitty album FOUR FUCKING YEARS AGO, these mostly not shocking things happened:
1. Tuomas attempted to consummate the relationship with OMG IT’S A GIRL???(again), Anette left. Tuomas failed to off himself, thus costing his family a fair amount of fame and fortune, and his mom some rent money for the attic.
2. Tuomas made a shitty movie that no one cared about, and it multiplied his prodigious ego by about 37281. He then released a stupid fucking solo album that ruined Ducktales, that multiplied it again by 59850982095834.
3. For some reason, they hired the daughter of Desk and Rug Jansen. Probably cause fangirls like how she sings Ghost Love Score.
4. Yes, After Forever and ReVamp are still really fucking bad, making this even more confounding.
5. Amaranthe released 13 albums that were (somehow) better than Imaginaerum.
6. Epica released at least 200 minutes of shitty political material that was mostly on par with Imaginaerum.
7. Marcelo conquered the moons of Saturn.
8. Jukka died, almost no one cared. (insomnia is not a thing, get more drugs) (okay, we all know he just figured out the album sucked before we did and said hey guys fuck it i’m out)
9. ^ until after this album, when everyone claims it sucked cause of terminal lack of Jukka
10. And they’ll be wrong, because...well… Pipe Guy happened.
11. ^ Seems to be a really good idea so far, cause somehow this guy is a complete dickhead and already (partially) destroyed (in the bad way) a song even though he’s not even a real band member. HE WILL RUIN AT LEAST FOUR SONGS ON THIS ALBUM. TROY DON GIVE A FUCK BOUT YOUR NIGHTWISH
12. Q: When did Troy go from being a prototypical jock name to a gang member name? A: WHEN TROY DONOCUCKOOCLOCKLEY FUCKIN PIPEBOMBED THAT SHIT BITCHES
13. Xandria had approximately five lead singer changes, briefly became an exact Nightwish clone, then said FUCK THIS SHIT and became the clear #1 shitty symphonic eurometal band (DvG [the successor to Vibeke and Tarja and a more talented Simone/Floor AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME] sez your favorite band sucks).
14. Vibeke announced she was coming back, then promptly vanished again.
15. Tristania decided to suck a little less.
16. Within Temptation, Delain, Muse, Leaves’ Eyes, Tarja, and most other bands decided to suck a little more. You still bought their albums.
STILL LAUGHING AT YOU/ME FOR BEING SO FUCKING STUPID.
17. Your favorite band still sucked.
18. The National caused 83 people to kill themselves.
19. Nickelback caused 8.3 million people to get laid.
20. (weird E)lan caused 830,000 fangirls to be vaguely depressed.
21. The rise and fall of Wanky, Epica, AND Snyder. (no, seriously, it shocked me too) Here, have a quick refresher course via shitty gif
22. Last.FM fucked around with their shitty interface about 820 times, BUT FINALLY made it so you can browse shoutboxes from THE VERY FUCKING BEGINNING without getting repeated 404s. (hail founder of the Nightbox, FofR, and his immortal shout: “Last.fm needs more Nightwish music in its archives”) This fix will surely lead to me making a Complete History of the Nightbox (depending on how long it takes Imaginaerum 2: We Cut This Shit For A Reason to leak, maybe it already did.
23. A robot band did a song about robbing Mexicans.
24. I wrote like three journals and they all sucked. You still read them.
25. Sami disabled his drinking arm, bought a cactus, grew some peppers, ate a lot of pizza, chatted up some Finnish sluts, and killed a gypsy.
26. RIP BRICK.
SO HOW ABOUT THAT FUCKIN (WEIRD E)LAN SINGLE?
I mean, there’s Nightwish, then there’s a few layers of shit, and then there’s the weirdly bored sleepwalk that was (weird E)lan and Sagan. I mean, Imaginaerum might have been shitty, but at least I got the feeling that they fucking cared. Ghost River was downright fucking decent.
With this, that feeling is gone. Plus, they dumped Anette, who at least ATTEMPTED to carry the album… but there was really no saving it. Will that sinking feeling hold throughout this one? Probably. The real question is: after Tuomas’s’s’s shitty dreamwalk through EuroDisney boyscaretaleland, does he even have anything left in the tank? Could the previously nondescript Floor save the fucking day somehow? Or, does the Finnish dynasty finally die tonight?
1. Shudder Before the Beautiful
LET’S GET PSYCHED SOME JERK IS TALKING
...and this is it? Okay at least that didn’t take long. Hey, well, let’s look on the bright side, at least they’re getting maximum usage out of this symphonic/guitar/drum riff that they’ve used 800 times. SAVING CASH MONEY FOR RETIREMENT AND BEING FISCALLY RESPONSIBLE.
Okay… Nightwish doing their best Epica impression in the latter half. Honestly, I like (?!?!?) the fact that they’ve ditched the stupid fucking whimsical shit TROY ARRIVES FOR FIVE SECONDS and he’s gone. FLOOR KILLIN THIS SHIT.
There is hope again. Probably of the brief variety. (9.25/10)
2. Weak Fantasy
I swear to Lord Baby Jesus they stole the initial riff from Immediate Music. Okay, so that’s probably the case for 80% of their shit. WAIT why are they playing this in the background? (starting at about :50 DON’T TELL ME YOU DON’T HEAR THAT SHIT THANKS LAST.FM FOR FAILING AT YOUTUBE LINKING)
TUOMAS GETTIN DOWN ON DAT FUCKIN FUNK honestly if their next album is funk i’d probably actually buy it (which hasn’t happened since DPP). Goddamnit nDroae HE WAS SAYING “FUNK”. That subtle advertising for Album 9: Funk Fantasy tho
Okay, I guess this was alright, not up to par with SBtB though. They’re headed into the danger zone, though, because we all know what’s coming next. (8/10)
Guys, you work hard. Take a nap. Let BATTLE READY Troy work for you.
OH WAIT TROY SUCKS THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA now we sound like a bored Leaves’ Eyes cover band with no sense of rhythm whoops. I mean, it isn’t as horrendously bad as my initial knee-jerk reaction, but still, enough with this stupid sound-alike shit. If you’re going to make a rehash, at least FUCKING TRY. BRING THE FUCKING RAGE GODDAMNIT. (6/10)
4. Yours Is an Empty Hope (Feat. Floor as Marco, and Marco as Weaker Marco) AKA Bye Bye Ghostscaretale River 2: Ghost Harder
Bro I am so fucking useless and nobody even knows lol
Marco, yours is an empty hope. Stop fucking sucking. You haven’t done anything worthwhile since…uh…drawing a blank, here. I mean, I’m sure you did something that impressed me once, but where the fuck is it now? I guess The Islander was okay, but we’ve heard about 13 different versions of that since. And they music-magicked THE SHIT out of his voice, anyway.
By the way, that was EIGHT FUCKING YEARS AGO. We’re fucking old now.
HERE WE GO DOWN DEEPER DOWN DROWN IN THE RAPE RIVER WILD DOWN DOWN RIVERBED GHOST TOWN or whatever was forever ago, too. NEVERTHELESS, despite Marco’s attempts to fuck this shit up… DESK AND RUG’S BABY GIRL BRINGS THE RAGE FOR ALL. It’s that horrible love child of Nightwish, Epica, Kamelot, and Magali Luyten, the one that we never knew we wanted, but it’s the one we should have always had.
I mean, sure, it liberally steals from other Nightwish shit, mostly the crap I mentioned in the title. That being said, other than the repetitive orchestral shit toward the end, ridiculously repetitive lyrics (which is probably better than Tuomas setting the English language on fire), I’m actually impressed. Probably mostly cause Floor went badass bitch on that shit. If Nightwish wants to not suck in the future, this is the song they should use as their blueprint. Stop being wrong about everything, Nightbox. (9.5/10)
5. Our Decades in the Sun
The inevitable, and required by symphonic law, slow track. Also inevitable, as required by Tuomas Law, children’s choir. Tuomas has never been good at this shit. Sounds like some stupid Within Temptation shit. STOP BEING FUCKING STUPID, YOU ALMOST HAD IT BACK THERE (6.5/10)
6. My Walden
Hey, Sagan was pretty good, right? No? Well, guess what, here it is! Okay, thanks, I guess. This should have been about an evil cyborg, made from titanium forged by Satan, unholy love child of Carl Sagan and Walden Martin, american road racing cyclist.
He cannot possibly be stopped, with his knowledge of the universe and cycling. FEAR HIM FOR HE IS THE FUTURE (5.75/10)
7. Endless Forms Most Beautiful
presented stream of consciousness-ish style because I am seriously losing interest
what the fuck is this
oh okay nightwish standard opening rift i guess i didn’t accidentally switch to...something
didn’t i just listen to this?
i guess it’s slightly different
this is like a weird compilation of every Nightwish single ever
ENDLESS FARMS MUST BOOTIFUL
sweet an instrumental interlude I totally didn’t see that coming
8. Edema Ruh
And we’ve gone back in time to Oceanborn. Oh man, that background shit kills me. Are they using a drum machine? You guys done fucked up again. I guess I should be pissed off that this mostly sucked, but…well…it’s Nightwish. Hey what’s up The Islander at the end, not like we haven’t heard that already in this album oh right we did (7.02/10)
Pretty sure I’ve heard this exact opening before. What was it OH YEAH HERE IT IS
Someone more musically talented than me (because seriously I suck, listen to Ghost Power for proof of that shit) overlay those two tracks and then we’ll tag-team punching Tuomas in the face. I mean, there’re slight differences, sure… but yeah. I’m pretty sure he only listens to his own music, Disney soundtracks, and Hans Zimmer, so where the fuck else is he going to find inspiration?
I dunno who said this song was so great, but it’s not. (7.5/10)
10. The Eyes of Sharbat Gula
In case you’re wondering, cause I was, that’s the Afghan girl with the crazy green eyes. I’m gonna ignore the fact that everything is stolen from something else for a couple minutes, and attempt to appreciate this on its own. Oh my fucking god, is this a Troy Track? Oh, TROY AND MARCO. That can’t possibly be a shitty idea. You have 11 tracks, and one of them is a SIX MINUTE INSTRUMENTAL. Nice.
Tuomas: Hey guys how about another instrumental?
Everyone else: Do we still get paid?
11. The Greatest Show on Earth
I’m guessing Tuomas could draw this poster from memory.
IT IS 24 FUCKING MINUTES. -1 right off the fucking bat. Look man, I’m ‘merican, so my attention span is like 22 minutes at best. Maybe 44 if you break it up with a shitload of commercials. Nightwish has never been able to keep my attention for longer than 10.
Okay, STRAP IN IT’S TIME TO GET BORED. Listening to this initial crap with Austin Powers on the TV in the background is… interesting. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. After a six minute instrumental for the last track (about 12 straight minutes if you’re keeping score at home), entitled Song 1: Endless Instrumentals Most Painful (no, I don’t give a shit what it’s actually called), the first five minutes of this is instrumental (mostly), then talking, AND FUCKING FINALLY. Do yourself a favor and just skip the first 5 ½ minutes, like a reverse Song of Myself. NICE TRY, TUOMAS.
Song 2, entitled GTFO TROY YOU FUCK (Greatest Moneygrab On Earth, well okay maybe second greatest),
isn’t bad at all. For once (okay, twice) they do some decent shit with Floor not having to do a badass Marco impression to make it happen.
So far, this has been two songs jammed together, and now #3 begins around 10 minutes in (ONLY?!??!!?). It is “The Devil Monkey Song”.
Fittingly, Marco takes a leading role. Then, Floor follows to tell him how much he sucks. Goddamn, they are so much better when Floor goes super-Marco. It’s ridiculous that they don’t do it all the time. And then, just when you think Monkey Song is over, BRIEF GOLD SAUCER INTERLUDE (14:15)
AND FOUR SECONDS OF TECHNO (14:45 giving me an excuse to use the greatest gif ever again)
LOL WHAT? Then everyone starts screaming and...then it’s over. Approved.
Song 4: TROY VH1 TAKEOVER starts around 17ish minutes, yes, it’s finally almost over. This appears to be some kind of stupid interlude, as befits our lord and savior Troy. He’s like the Anti-Sami. You know, because Sami was good at everything and MVP of the band.
I feel Song Five incoming. Song 5: More Instrumental/Oceanic Bullshit...just keeps going, and going, and going… yep, the real part is over. This “song” (aka 4-5 songs needlessly jammed together) is an excellent illustration of why Nightwish isn’t fucking (consistently) good, and never will be again (if they ever truly were). They had something downright fucking good with Parts 2/3, and decided to hide it in-between stupid artsy poetic bullshit. And they’ll always fuck themselves like this, due to Tuomas being an egomaniacal fuck who thinks everyone cares what he likes, and won’t hesitate to unleash it in random blowhard-fests throughout albums. I mean, the hair-eating fangirls care, but they’re rapidly becoming a minority.
ADAPT OR DIE, MOTHERFUCKER. That’s what your bro Darwin would say. Well, okay, he’d probably just wonder why you’re wearing that stupid fucking hat.
(7/10 due to stupidity)
Part 1: (5/10)
Part 2: (9.45/10)
Part 3: (9.5/10)
Part 4/5: (4/10)
THE BEST OF THE WORST (after several further listens)
1. Yours is an Empty Hope
1A. TGSOE Part III: The Devil Monkey Song
1B. Shudder Before The Beautiful
4. TGSOEP2: GTFOTYF (TGMOE)
5. Weak Fantasy
The formula is standard. There are some moments of radness, spread evenly with filler tracks (minus the black hole in the middle six tracks), rehashes, and stupid instrumental garbage. Floor intersperses her seizures of awesomeness (that mostly come when she’s upstaging Marco as new hard vocalist) with meh, which isn’t really new for a Nightwish lead singer because… it’s fucking Nightwish.
ALL THAT BEING SAID… when those good parts hit, they’re better than they’ve ever been, bar none. And that was shocking to me. So, despite their best efforts to make it suck…
...surprisingly enough, THIS CRAP is (probably) the best Nightwish album. Yeah, I couldn’t believe it when I broke it all down. It’s legitimately a decent album when compared to other music, which is more than I can say for just about any other Nightwish compilation. I’m almost positive most “real” Nightwish fans won’t care for it, because it’s a good deal harder and less whimsical (at least, the good parts are) than previous shit (keyword being shit, obviously). That, and it steals from previous songs more liberally and obviously than any previous album. Wait, why do I like this again?
Because that’s as good as it’s going to get, fuckers.
Don’t buy the album though, just buy/steal (I prefer stealing) the top four/five tracks and call it good. Everything else isn’t worth it. You’re welcome for finally putting a non-insanely-biased review on the fucking internets. Suck it, Nuclear Blast.
Next Time: April 28: jerkjones vs. Nightwish: Made in West Trollhättan
GODDAMNIT WHERE THE FUCK DID THE ALTARS GROUP GO?!?!?!?!?