Diario

  • Endless Leaks Most Beautiful: The End of Nightwish (Feat. Pipe Guy)

    Mar 18 2015, 5:55

    WELCOME BACK.

    TL;DR: Prepare to be surprised. (skip to the end)

    Since Nightwish’s last shitty album FOUR FUCKING YEARS AGO, these mostly not shocking things happened:

    1. Tuomas attempted to consummate the relationship with OMG IT’S A GIRL???(again), Anette left. Tuomas failed to off himself, thus costing his family a fair amount of fame and fortune, and his mom some rent money for the attic.

    2. Tuomas made a shitty movie that no one cared about, and it multiplied his prodigious ego by about 37281. He then released a stupid fucking solo album that ruined Ducktales, that multiplied it again by 59850982095834.

    3. For some reason, they hired the daughter of Desk and Rug Jansen. Probably cause fangirls like how she sings Ghost Love Score.

    4. Yes, After Forever and ReVamp are still really fucking bad, making this even more confounding.

    5. Amaranthe released 13 albums that were (somehow) better than Imaginaerum.

    6. Epica released at least 200 minutes of shitty political material that was mostly on par with Imaginaerum.

    7. Marcelo conquered the moons of Saturn.

    8. Jukka died, almost no one cared. (insomnia is not a thing, get more drugs) (okay, we all know he just figured out the album sucked before we did and said hey guys fuck it i’m out)

    9. ^ until after this album, when everyone claims it sucked cause of terminal lack of Jukka

    10. And they’ll be wrong, because...well… Pipe Guy happened.

    11. ^ Seems to be a really good idea so far, cause somehow this guy is a complete dickhead and already (partially) destroyed (in the bad way) a song even though he’s not even a real band member. HE WILL RUIN AT LEAST FOUR SONGS ON THIS ALBUM. TROY DON GIVE A FUCK BOUT YOUR NIGHTWISH

    12. Q: When did Troy go from being a prototypical jock name to a gang member name? A: WHEN TROY DONOCUCKOOCLOCKLEY FUCKIN PIPEBOMBED THAT SHIT BITCHES

    13. Xandria had approximately five lead singer changes, briefly became an exact Nightwish clone, then said FUCK THIS SHIT and became the clear #1 shitty symphonic eurometal band (DvG [the successor to Vibeke and Tarja and a more talented Simone/Floor AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME] sez your favorite band sucks).

    14. Vibeke announced she was coming back, then promptly vanished again.

    15. Tristania decided to suck a little less.

    16. Within Temptation, Delain, Muse, Leaves’ Eyes, Tarja, and most other bands decided to suck a little more. You still bought their albums.

    STILL LAUGHING AT YOU/ME FOR BEING SO FUCKING STUPID.

    17. Your favorite band still sucked.

    18. The National caused 83 people to kill themselves.

    19. Nickelback caused 8.3 million people to get laid.

    20. (weird E)lan caused 830,000 fangirls to be vaguely depressed.

    21. The rise and fall of Wanky, Epica, AND Snyder. (no, seriously, it shocked me too) Here, have a quick refresher course via shitty gif

    22. Last.FM fucked around with their shitty interface about 820 times, BUT FINALLY made it so you can browse shoutboxes from THE VERY FUCKING BEGINNING without getting repeated 404s. (hail founder of the Nightbox, FofR, and his immortal shout: “Last.fm needs more Nightwish music in its archives”) This fix will surely lead to me making a Complete History of the Nightbox (depending on how long it takes Imaginaerum 2: We Cut This Shit For A Reason to leak, maybe it already did.

    23. A robot band did a song about robbing Mexicans.

    24. I wrote like three journals and they all sucked. You still read them.

    25. Sami disabled his drinking arm, bought a cactus, grew some peppers, ate a lot of pizza, chatted up some Finnish sluts, and killed a gypsy.

    26. RIP BRICK.


    SO HOW ABOUT THAT FUCKIN (WEIRD E)LAN SINGLE?

    I mean, there’s Nightwish, then there’s a few layers of shit, and then there’s the weirdly bored sleepwalk that was (weird E)lan and Sagan. I mean, Imaginaerum might have been shitty, but at least I got the feeling that they fucking cared. Ghost River was downright fucking decent.

    With this, that feeling is gone. Plus, they dumped Anette, who at least ATTEMPTED to carry the album… but there was really no saving it. Will that sinking feeling hold throughout this one? Probably. The real question is: after Tuomas’s’s’s shitty dreamwalk through EuroDisney boyscaretaleland, does he even have anything left in the tank? Could the previously nondescript Floor save the fucking day somehow? Or, does the Finnish dynasty finally die tonight?


    1. Shudder Before the Beautiful
    LET’S GET PSYCHED SOME JERK IS TALKING

    ...and this is it? Okay at least that didn’t take long. Hey, well, let’s look on the bright side, at least they’re getting maximum usage out of this symphonic/guitar/drum riff that they’ve used 800 times. SAVING CASH MONEY FOR RETIREMENT AND BEING FISCALLY RESPONSIBLE.

    Okay… Nightwish doing their best Epica impression in the latter half. Honestly, I like (?!?!?) the fact that they’ve ditched the stupid fucking whimsical shit TROY ARRIVES FOR FIVE SECONDS and he’s gone. FLOOR KILLIN THIS SHIT.

    There is hope again. Probably of the brief variety. (9.25/10)


    2. Weak Fantasy
    I swear to Lord Baby Jesus they stole the initial riff from Immediate Music. Okay, so that’s probably the case for 80% of their shit. WAIT why are they playing this in the background? (starting at about :50 DON’T TELL ME YOU DON’T HEAR THAT SHIT THANKS LAST.FM FOR FAILING AT YOUTUBE LINKING)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Jh4aGQBUZM&t=10
    TUOMAS GETTIN DOWN ON DAT FUCKIN FUNK honestly if their next album is funk i’d probably actually buy it (which hasn’t happened since DPP). Goddamnit nDroae HE WAS SAYING “FUNK”. That subtle advertising for Album 9: Funk Fantasy tho
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDSfG6niBt0

    Okay, I guess this was alright, not up to par with SBtB though. They’re headed into the danger zone, though, because we all know what’s coming next. (8/10)


    3. Élan
    Guys, you work hard. Take a nap. Let BATTLE READY Troy work for you.

    OH WAIT TROY SUCKS THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA now we sound like a bored Leaves’ Eyes cover band with no sense of rhythm whoops. I mean, it isn’t as horrendously bad as my initial knee-jerk reaction, but still, enough with this stupid sound-alike shit. If you’re going to make a rehash, at least FUCKING TRY. BRING THE FUCKING RAGE GODDAMNIT. (6/10)


    4. Yours Is an Empty Hope (Feat. Floor as Marco, and Marco as Weaker Marco) AKA Bye Bye Ghostscaretale River 2: Ghost Harder

    Bro I am so fucking useless and nobody even knows lol

    Marco, yours is an empty hope. Stop fucking sucking. You haven’t done anything worthwhile since…uh…drawing a blank, here. I mean, I’m sure you did something that impressed me once, but where the fuck is it now? I guess The Islander was okay, but we’ve heard about 13 different versions of that since. And they music-magicked THE SHIT out of his voice, anyway.

    By the way, that was EIGHT FUCKING YEARS AGO. We’re fucking old now.

    HERE WE GO DOWN DEEPER DOWN DROWN IN THE RAPE RIVER WILD DOWN DOWN RIVERBED GHOST TOWN or whatever was forever ago, too. NEVERTHELESS, despite Marco’s attempts to fuck this shit up… DESK AND RUG’S BABY GIRL BRINGS THE RAGE FOR ALL. It’s that horrible love child of Nightwish, Epica, Kamelot, and Magali Luyten, the one that we never knew we wanted, but it’s the one we should have always had.

    I mean, sure, it liberally steals from other Nightwish shit, mostly the crap I mentioned in the title. That being said, other than the repetitive orchestral shit toward the end, ridiculously repetitive lyrics (which is probably better than Tuomas setting the English language on fire), I’m actually impressed. Probably mostly cause Floor went badass bitch on that shit. If Nightwish wants to not suck in the future, this is the song they should use as their blueprint. Stop being wrong about everything, Nightbox. (9.5/10)


    5. Our Decades in the Sun

    The inevitable, and required by symphonic law, slow track. Also inevitable, as required by Tuomas Law, children’s choir. Tuomas has never been good at this shit. Sounds like some stupid Within Temptation shit. STOP BEING FUCKING STUPID, YOU ALMOST HAD IT BACK THERE (6.5/10)


    6. My Walden
    Hey, Sagan was pretty good, right? No? Well, guess what, here it is! Okay, thanks, I guess. This should have been about an evil cyborg, made from titanium forged by Satan, unholy love child of Carl Sagan and Walden Martin, american road racing cyclist.

    He cannot possibly be stopped, with his knowledge of the universe and cycling. FEAR HIM FOR HE IS THE FUTURE (5.75/10)


    7. Endless Forms Most Beautiful
    presented stream of consciousness-ish style because I am seriously losing interest
    what the fuck is this
    oh okay nightwish standard opening rift i guess i didn’t accidentally switch to...something
    didn’t i just listen to this?
    i guess it’s slightly different
    this is like a weird compilation of every Nightwish single ever
    ENDLESS FARMS MUST BOOTIFUL
    sweet an instrumental interlude I totally didn’t see that coming
    (7.75/10)


    8. Edema Ruh

    And we’ve gone back in time to Oceanborn. Oh man, that background shit kills me. Are they using a drum machine? You guys done fucked up again. I guess I should be pissed off that this mostly sucked, but…well…it’s Nightwish. Hey what’s up The Islander at the end, not like we haven’t heard that already in this album oh right we did (7.02/10)


    9. Alpenglow
    Pretty sure I’ve heard this exact opening before. What was it OH YEAH HERE IT IS
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcfyl3dJk5U&t=29
    Someone more musically talented than me (because seriously I suck, listen to Ghost Power for proof of that shit) overlay those two tracks and then we’ll tag-team punching Tuomas in the face. I mean, there’re slight differences, sure… but yeah. I’m pretty sure he only listens to his own music, Disney soundtracks, and Hans Zimmer, so where the fuck else is he going to find inspiration?

    I dunno who said this song was so great, but it’s not. (7.5/10)


    10. The Eyes of Sharbat Gula
    In case you’re wondering, cause I was, that’s the Afghan girl with the crazy green eyes. I’m gonna ignore the fact that everything is stolen from something else for a couple minutes, and attempt to appreciate this on its own. Oh my fucking god, is this a Troy Track? Oh, TROY AND MARCO. That can’t possibly be a shitty idea. You have 11 tracks, and one of them is a SIX MINUTE INSTRUMENTAL. Nice.

    Tuomas: Hey guys how about another instrumental?
    Everyone else: Do we still get paid?
    Tuomas: yes
    Everyone else:
    (5/10)


    11. The Greatest Show on Earth

    I’m guessing Tuomas could draw this poster from memory.

    IT IS 24 FUCKING MINUTES. -1 right off the fucking bat. Look man, I’m ‘merican, so my attention span is like 22 minutes at best. Maybe 44 if you break it up with a shitload of commercials. Nightwish has never been able to keep my attention for longer than 10.

    Okay, STRAP IN IT’S TIME TO GET BORED. Listening to this initial crap with Austin Powers on the TV in the background is… interesting. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. After a six minute instrumental for the last track (about 12 straight minutes if you’re keeping score at home), entitled Song 1: Endless Instrumentals Most Painful (no, I don’t give a shit what it’s actually called), the first five minutes of this is instrumental (mostly), then talking, AND FUCKING FINALLY. Do yourself a favor and just skip the first 5 ½ minutes, like a reverse Song of Myself. NICE TRY, TUOMAS.

    Song 2, entitled GTFO TROY YOU FUCK (Greatest Moneygrab On Earth, well okay maybe second greatest),

    isn’t bad at all. For once (okay, twice) they do some decent shit with Floor not having to do a badass Marco impression to make it happen.

    So far, this has been two songs jammed together, and now #3 begins around 10 minutes in (ONLY?!??!!?). It is “The Devil Monkey Song”.

    Fittingly, Marco takes a leading role. Then, Floor follows to tell him how much he sucks. Goddamn, they are so much better when Floor goes super-Marco. It’s ridiculous that they don’t do it all the time. And then, just when you think Monkey Song is over, BRIEF GOLD SAUCER INTERLUDE (14:15)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMaGq6vn7hg
    AND FOUR SECONDS OF TECHNO (14:45 giving me an excuse to use the greatest gif ever again)

    LOL WHAT? Then everyone starts screaming and...then it’s over. Approved.

    Song 4: TROY VH1 TAKEOVER starts around 17ish minutes, yes, it’s finally almost over. This appears to be some kind of stupid interlude, as befits our lord and savior Troy. He’s like the Anti-Sami. You know, because Sami was good at everything and MVP of the band.

    I feel Song Five incoming. Song 5: More Instrumental/Oceanic Bullshit...just keeps going, and going, and going… yep, the real part is over. This “song” (aka 4-5 songs needlessly jammed together) is an excellent illustration of why Nightwish isn’t fucking (consistently) good, and never will be again (if they ever truly were). They had something downright fucking good with Parts 2/3, and decided to hide it in-between stupid artsy poetic bullshit. And they’ll always fuck themselves like this, due to Tuomas being an egomaniacal fuck who thinks everyone cares what he likes, and won’t hesitate to unleash it in random blowhard-fests throughout albums. I mean, the hair-eating fangirls care, but they’re rapidly becoming a minority.

    ADAPT OR DIE, MOTHERFUCKER. That’s what your bro Darwin would say. Well, okay, he’d probably just wonder why you’re wearing that stupid fucking hat.

    (7/10 due to stupidity)
    Part 1: (5/10)
    Part 2: (9.45/10)
    Part 3: (9.5/10)
    Part 4/5: (4/10)



    THE BEST OF THE WORST (after several further listens)
    1. Yours is an Empty Hope
    1A. TGSOE Part III: The Devil Monkey Song
    1B. Shudder Before The Beautiful
    4. TGSOEP2: GTFOTYF (TGMOE)
    5. Weak Fantasy

    The formula is standard. There are some moments of radness, spread evenly with filler tracks (minus the black hole in the middle six tracks), rehashes, and stupid instrumental garbage. Floor intersperses her seizures of awesomeness (that mostly come when she’s upstaging Marco as new hard vocalist) with meh, which isn’t really new for a Nightwish lead singer because… it’s fucking Nightwish.

    ALL THAT BEING SAID… when those good parts hit, they’re better than they’ve ever been, bar none. And that was shocking to me. So, despite their best efforts to make it suck…

    ...surprisingly enough, THIS CRAP is (probably) the best Nightwish album. Yeah, I couldn’t believe it when I broke it all down. It’s legitimately a decent album when compared to other music, which is more than I can say for just about any other Nightwish compilation. I’m almost positive most “real” Nightwish fans won’t care for it, because it’s a good deal harder and less whimsical (at least, the good parts are) than previous shit (keyword being shit, obviously). That, and it steals from previous songs more liberally and obviously than any previous album. Wait, why do I like this again?

    Because that’s as good as it’s going to get, fuckers.

    Don’t buy the album though, just buy/steal (I prefer stealing) the top four/five tracks and call it good. Everything else isn’t worth it. You’re welcome for finally putting a non-insanely-biased review on the fucking internets. Suck it, Nuclear Blast.




    Next Time: April 28: jerkjones vs. Nightwish: Made in West Trollhättan


    GODDAMNIT WHERE THE FUCK DID THE ALTARS GROUP GO?!?!?!?!?
  • Triple Duel IV: Epica vs. Xandria vs. Savn (BATTLE OF THE NON-METAL UNSUPERSTARS)

    Nov 9 2014, 4:47

    (I started this several months ago so some things probably don’t make sense, then again that’s how it always is so why should you be surprised)

    Since I’m such a fucking forgiving kinda guy, I have graciously decided to give completely mediocre triple duel veterans Xandria (as I fucking predicted, AGAIN, Tarja-clone is gone, ALL HAIL MARCELO), bitchy whiny hot lead singer but still fuck you guys Epica, and WHO?????? Savn INEXPLICABLY a chance at this SHITTY JOURNAL SO NO ONE GIVES A FUCK brand of glory.

    That was a really fucking confusing paragraph. Let’s move on.

    The N key on this shitty laptop is falling off, so that might make things interesting very soon. It’s kind of like that loose tooth you had when you were a kid, the one that somehow stayed for weeks as you tried your best not to fuckig touch it. I DID THAT ON PURPOSE. I probably have to use that letter more...otherwise i’d go ballistic dreaming up words to use without that jerk letter ferrari octopus dishwasher boulevard typewriter

    FUCK IT LET’S DO THISnnnnnnnnnnnn

    How about Xandria, doing exactly what I expected and kicking Tarja-clone to the curb, only to pick up a van Giersbergen that isn’t even related to Anneke, and becoming the latest stupid fucking band to not pick up the phone and call Vibeke Stene. I’m pretty sure if I was the Hiring Jerk for any fucking shitty symphonic metal band in the world, they’d be the best ever. That was a lot of fucking Ns, I blame the Dutch. YOU ARE TESTING FATE

    AVAILABLE BADASS MOTHERFUCKERS:
    Female Vocals: Vibeke Stene
    Male Vocals: Roy Khan (just tell him it’s a christian band and get a lookalike to lip-sync on tour, WHO CARES IF OUR LYRICS ARE ABOUT HOOKERS, BLOW, HELL, AND THE DEVIL, SING YOU FUCK)
    Gruntman: Kjetil from that one Tristania album because he’s the least shitty grunter/screamer ever
    Guitars: No one cares, some random guy(s) that doesn’t completely suck and can do sweet guitar solos constantly, not Tom Morello because he’s a whiny douche
    Drums: No one cares, some random guy from Japan
    NO FUCKING PIPE GUY BECAUSE SERIOUSLY HE’S NOT A BAND MEMBER WHAT THE FUCK

    BAND COMPLETE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN GERMANY AND SWEDEN AWAIT US

    I lied, I know who the fuck Savn is after doing five seconds of intense research. Their lead singer just happens to be the far superior younger sister of that one chick in that one band. You know, the ones who sing in dead languages and shit. Her name is Maple or some shit. Her comparative lack of singing skills is probably because she is a vegetarian, which biologically has the effect of making her barely human, more of a rabbit-like creature really. It’s science, fuckers.

    She was also in that dead band that everyone claims to like but secretly hates because why wouldn’t you? Some of you that actually got that are screaming inside with rage right now, and that’s okay (no it’s not). nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn I think I fixed it.nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Yeah, good enough for now, as long as most of the songs are about elves, orcs, dishwashers, or typewriters (seems likely).

    Savn might be somewhat mismatched, going up against arguably, in terms of popularity, probably two of the top ten shitty eurometal bands out there today. Luckily for Savn, they have a top ten singer (okay...maybe top 20), and both of their enemy bands have been mediocre at best...until now???? LET’S FUCKING FIND OUT.


    Originem - intro track, SKIPPING THAT SHIT.

    1. The Second Stone vs. Sacrificium vs. Musical Silence

    First effort out of Epica is about what I’ve come to expect from them…moments where it seems like the song is going to rock your face off…and then they go back to the same old Epica shit. If you’ve listened to any Epica album ever, you’ve heard this song almost exactly about ~6 times per album. HOORAY FOR BEING CONSISTENTLY AVERAGE AT BEST


    And then there’s the only band in the world that changes lead singers more than fucking Nightwish (I don’t even think I’m lying, but I might be). Xandria really tests my patience by making their first track TEN FUCKING MINUTES and might be the first shitty symphonic metal band to ever put their epic way too fucking long song first.

    It’s a relatively solid opening track...better than Epica’s usual bullshit. A bit repetitive at times, but hey that happens when you drone on for-fucking-ever.

    The quality out of Savn on the shittily named first track is pretty fucking surprising. The First Family of Female Lead Singers of Norwegian Folk-ish Metal’s formula doesn’t change much here...and it works out pretty well. You can tell it probably cost like $27 to produce, but fuck you, I like it for some reason. It’s probably that damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnorwegian siren sonnnnng GOD DAMNIT

    (this is where I stopped for several months due to not caring/africa and switched laptops)

    Savn - 3, Xandria - 2, Epica - 1


    2. The Essence of Silence vs. Nightfall vs. Hang On

    SWEET JESUS HANG ON

    I really want to talk shit right now about how much I hate Epica, like I predictably do after EVERY FUCKING SONG. Sadly, it’s not possible (for the moment) after hearing this. Apparently, this is what it sounds like when Epica FINALLY QUITS THE BULLSHIT (well, mostly) and realizes their fucking potential for once. I’m not gonna say it’s perfect or anything (probably could have used less of Marky Mark

    but he did decently enough and, impossibly, supplemented instead of detracted), but it’s clearly their best song since Unleashed…or maybe ever. Not that this is saying much, but I’ll be pretty surprised if this isn’t the best song out of these three albums.

    How will those Xandria jerks respond? Well, they’re off to a pretty good start, with the second decent track in a row. Not-related-to-Anneke does a pretty impressive job. This can’t take down Epica’s actually not sucking for once song, but it might at least be good enough to top Savn. Sweet guitar solo, bro. New Xandria sounds a bit more like Old Xandria than their last stupid fucking album, and that’s a good thing.

    Savn has some tough competition with this one. Their second track is alright, but gets blasted by the other two. The chorus is kind of fucking stupid, though. They might as well call this band Midnattsol Jr. or some shit. Maybe Midnattsol 2 - We Suck A Little More Now! Junior II, Son of Midnattsol. Midnattsol Jr. is probably more catchy, and more of a ripoff as befits the genre as laid forth by the resident matriarch Tuomas Hulupainionic, so let’s go with that.

    Epica - 4, Xandria - 4, Savn - 4


    3. Victims of Contingency vs. Dreamkeeper vs. The Demons In Me

    HAS EPICA FINALLY BROKEN THE STREAK OF SUCK??????

    Sounds like thinly-veiled political bullshit. Fuck you, Jansen. The song isn’t anything exceptional, or even decent. Good to know that EPICA IS BACK, after briefly becoming something new and better with the last track. That means I don’t have to change my rhetoric...I was a little worried about that. JANSENOLOGY REIGNS

    Somehow, Xandria is already starting to feel like the favorite, given my hatred of most things Epica does. They keep doing alright with DREAMKEEPER, which feels like it should have been a C-level movie on syfy at some point, probably something about native mericans oh wait

    Something about Washington Handegg Team goes here racism is cool. But seriously, I AM A FUCKING PSYCHIC or my theory of bands stealing song titles from late-night Hallmark Channel/other movies gains more legitimacy. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT MOVIE A 7.7 and it’s 174 minutes?????? HALLMARK DOES NOT FUCK AROUND, BITCHES.

    Song names ripped off from movies count now stands at 8. That’s cause there were SEVEN FUCKING MOVIES named Nightfall and for some reason I’m counting them all.

    I feel like Savn can’t help but be overshadowed by the strange and confusing events we’ve just experienced. Okay, this dude they randomly showcased sounds like he should probably never open his mouth while in a band and near a microphone. Even another siren song and Michelle Darkness (I have no fucking idea) can’t save this shit now.

    Xandy - 7, Epica - 6, Savn - 5


    4. sense without sanity vs. Stardust vs. Longing for Love


    BECAUSE THAT MAKES AN ASSLOAD OF SENSE YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS Well, since Epica doesn’t like to waste time, apparently we’re already descending into the usual Epica formula of “one decent track, followed by 6-7 tracks that sound about the same, until you just give up all hope of recovery”. Well, I’m already about at that point in record time (excluding my forays into unlistenable music obviously), so congratulations, fuckers. The second half of the song was a little bit more promising after they changed it up, but still, no. Maybe I was just getting psyched because it was almost over.

    The 76th song in eurometal history named Stardust (well...there’s at least two) might be the best one. Xandria is fucking killing this shit. Honestly, they’ve probably learned the lessons of their last two albums better than any of the other fucking bands around...they’re basically the Anti-Epica. While with the last one, they just said HEY FUCK IT LET’S GO WITH DOPPEL-TARJA AND DO SEMI-OLD NightwishMATERIAL, this time they reduce old-nightwish to “Special Thanks To” credits and go back to a time when Xandria didn’t suck. I FUCKING APPRECIATE IT. Oh, and it helps that not-related-to-Anneke is actually fucking good UNLIKE CERTAIN FAILURES

    SAVN NEEDS TO GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER. Since Epica still fucking sucks, I guess they probably still have a shot at second place. And hey, this song really isn’t bad at all, so here guys, enjoy second place.

    X - 10, S - 7, E - 7


    5. Unchain Utopia vs. The Undiscovered Land vs. I Am Free (feat. Elder Norse Siren)

    I think this song is about Wal-Mart. Seriously, read the lyrics. Despite that, it’s a small step in the right direction from the general “I don’t give a fuck”-itude of the last few songs. The choir was a little better than the standard Epica usage of choir, which is kinda like:

    Producer: Hey, this song sounds alright.

    Mark: Hmmm...no, fuck you. It needs a choir.

    Producer: Uh, okay, even though we’ve already got your shitty grunting, Simone, and the random semi-uncredited guest singer…you know, that one chick who is everywhere?

    Mark: Lizmanda-Gluz? Shut the fuck up sir, we need a choir. Or three, even.

    Producer: Okay, what should they sing?

    Mark: Fuck, it doesn’t even matter. Just have them repeat what Simone’s saying sometimes.

    Producer: This album is going to suck, and I’m going to get fired.

    Mark: Ha, what do you know? You’re not a weird deaf fuck from Brazil on last.fm, they heart all my shit. Also, we need clips from a 80’s speech and a four-minute grunting solo about corporate greed. Where the fuck is my on-fire EUmerican flag, crown of thorns, and overflowing mass grave giant poster?

    Producer:

    Mark: Hey man good lyrics I’m gonna steal that, wait aren’t you Ronaldinho Westinghouse-TheNobility, bald guy in Within Temptation????

    Producer aka Ronaldinho: FUCKER IT’S MY CHOIR NOW HAHAHAHA COME LIZMANDA WE RIDE TO ROTTERDAM

    Lizmanda-Gluz: *inaudible squealing*

    Ronaldinho: Wait don’t forget our next D-level guest singers!!!

    Fred and Richard Fairbrass, founders of shitty 90’s band Right Said Fred: WE’RE WITH YOU TO THE END RONALDINHO!!!!

    Mark: I’LL GET YOU MOTHERFUCKERS

    DvG: Hey can we borrow Lizmanda for our next album that will be way better than Epica

    Ronaldinho: yeah lady-bro

    Lizmanda-Gluz: *happy squealing*

    Producer:


    But seriously, this song wasn’t bad, even if it was about Mark’s stupid shit (hence second single). I guess Epica decided they wouldn’t mail it in just yet.

    Xandria needs to step up their game accordingly. They elect to go with a slower-style song (at least at the beginning), and DvG does her best Simone impression. Seriously, I had to check back after a minute to make sure this wasn’t Epica. Goddamn, they aren’t fucking around here. Once again, it’s another 9-level song, and Epica is boned. Yes, it’s true, Xandria can Epica better than Epica.

    GUESS WHO’S HELPING OUT, MOTHERFUCKERS. But, it didn’t really even matter after Xandria and Epica fucking destroyed the world. I mean, it’s not completely terrible, but THESE ARE THE FUCKING BIG LEAGUES.

    X - 13, E - 9, S - 8


    (IF THE SUBTITLE IS INTERLUDE I DON’T REVIEW THAT SHIT)

    6. Chemical Insomnia vs. Betrayer vs. Sorrowful

    Is this song about caffeine? It sure fucking sounds like it, and if so I am an immediate fan. Annnnnnnd then the song started. I mean, it’s not too bad, and at least it’s a little different from their standard formula. Not much, though.

    Sweet Jesus. These scumbags just had to tour through ‘merica while I was fucking gone. It’s been a while since I didn’t want to punch myself in the face for listening to a triple duel album.


    Okay, Epica might be the Nickelback (if you’re an Epica fan and don’t believe that, I regret to inform you that you’re wrong) of Shitty Euro Semi-Symphonic Fairy Metal, but Savn might have them beaten in the Song Repitititiude Quotient department, if that’s even possible. Too bad for Epica, Savn seems to care a little more right now. Yeah, I know that made absolutely no sense, but they’re (Epica/Savn collective suckitude) really killing my desire to expand on anything.

    X - 16, S - 10, E - 10


    7. Reverence - Living in the Heart - vs. Until The End vs. All I Want

    I don’t think I’ve ever heard a guitar solo from Epica that sounded complex in the least. Feel free to attempt to prove me wrong, so I can not pay attention to your argument. This might be the first Epica album in human history that’s ever had some semblance of a second wind, because this song is, once again, not terrible. Okay, I guess that guitar/keytar solo sounded kinda fucked up, so maybe I was wrong...ha just kidding they suck lol

    If I would’ve known Xandria was going to fucking dominate like this, I would’ve given them the first two so they could go for the clean sweep. They take a slight step back with this one, but it’s still not too bad. Seriously, reviewing albums like this is a pain in the ass because THERE’S LITERALLY NOTHING TO CRUSH THESE FUCKERS FOR well except the lyrics obviously but fuck it

    SAVN IS FUCKING DEPRESSING ME. I knew they’d get blown out due to production and the fact that I am a consumer whore, but it sucks that they’re not even bothering to change their fucking songs for me. I BELIEVED IN YOU NORSE SIREN

    X - 19, E - 12, S - 11


    8. Omen - The Ghoulish Melody - vs. Come With Me vs. Now or Never

    FUCK YEAH a Ghoulies tribute song.

    That movie looks fucking amazing.

    Okay, confessional time, I don’t think I’ve ever seen any of the movies, I just remember my parents had the first one in their endless pile of VHS tapes. For the second time in recent history, Mark+co decide to give a rare fuck and make a pretty decent fucking song, to attempt to break Xandria’s ridiculous run of dominance, unprecedented in the vast history of Triple Duel. You want to know what’s truly hilarious about Epica’s ineptitude? It’s totally self-inflicted. Even when they DO have more than one decent song in an album, it’s buried below the bullshit.

    EXHIBIT A: Design Your Universe. Unleashed was fucking awesome, deservedly the first single. Second single: bullshit. Only other good track: White Waters, duet with Tony FUCKING Kakko, #10 track, totally ignored.
    Wiki: Reception has been positive from both critics and fans FUCK YOUR POSITIVITY

    EXHIBIT B: Requiem for the Indifferent(NOTE THAT THEY DON’T FUCKING CARE). Storm the Sorrow is one of 3.5 decent tracks (sadly this probably makes it their best album so far, kudos if your Epica shout had your greater thans placed correctly, ha just kidding you fucking suck stop talking about Epica you fuck), first single. Decent tracks actually lined up nicely for once. Okay. AND THEN for the train wreck that is everything after #5, a classic trainwreck into Tristania’s own personal Canyon of LOL YOU SPENT MONEY ON THIS. Second single is stupid bullshit, instead of one of the good ones.
    Wiki: General response to Requiem for the Indifferent was positive FUCK GENERALS
    jerkjones: Dude, it was NOT easy. It's by no means a horrible album, but those last 40-50 minutes were a chore. I failed at listening FUCK THAT GUY TOO

    EXHIBIT C: THIS FUCKING ALBUM. Second best track: buried again. Thanks for playing, and welcome to two albums ago.
    Wiki: Guitarist/vocalist Mark Jansen explains: "I have been listening to our new album and I can't get enough of it! FUCK YOU

    I mean, fucking seriously. What Epica can only offer, AT THE MOST, 2-3 times per album, Xandria has just done SEVEN TIMES IN A FUCKING ROW. For that reason alone, I hope Xandria somehow wins this track. Even though Epica did finally decide to reveal their rare Second Good Song™. If they pull off a miracle, I swear I’ll never talk shit about Epica again. EVER.



    Xandria once again delivers the goods, but can’t quite top Epica. I guess it had to happen sooner or later.

    Fuck you, Savn. They’ve fallen into an amazing combination of the Tristania Trap (album sucks at the end) and the Epica Effect (filler fucking everywhere), and I just can’t deal with that shit. AND THEIR FUCKING ALBUM IS ALMOST OVER. I’ve made a huge mistake. Or they made a huge mistake by attempting to clash with THE TITANS. Well… it worked for Amaranthe, though. Maybe I’m just a fucking idiot, because Amaranthe clearly sucks.

    E - 15, X - 21, S - 12


    9. Canvas of Life - Yeah That's Right Fuck Your Stupid Subtitles vs. Little Red Relish vs. Lengselens Hånd

    IT’S SO FUCKING ARTISTIC AHHHH I really should stop reviewing albums, because 90% of the time it just depresses me how fucking dumb bands are. SIMONE SAVES THE FUCKING DAY. Weird how that happens when Jansen GETS THE FUCK OUT.

    No grunting, none of his stupid fucking lyrics, just THE GREAT PUMPKIN BLASTING THAT SHIT. APPROVED.

    This song better be about a goddamn mutant hamburger. No, predictably, it seems to be about Little Red Riding Hood getting naked and getting it on with The Big Bad Wolf. Well, of course it is. Tuomas nods solemnly in approval.

    And now, the insanely disappointing Savn will attempt to fuck everything up for everyone. Nope.

    E - 18, X - 23, S - 13


    10. Natural Corruption vs. Our Neverworld vs. Hang On (GROWLY STYLE, yes, it's the same song again FOR YOUR PLEASURE)

    Not content with making politically charged songs with somewhat cryptic titles so there’s at least some ambiguity with what you’re getting into, Mark just says FUCK IT with this one. Oh wait he didn’t do the lyrics GOD WHAT THE FUCK

    FINISH THEM. Well, it seems like Xandria burned all their good shit early on. Still decent enough, but Epica’s secret Triple Duel strategy of burying good (or at least less bad) tracks at the end appears to be working.

    Savn has run out of songs, so they’re doing slightly different versions of previous songs. A bad sign. FUCK THEM, this is now ONE ON ONE. To maybe make things more interesting, first will be 3 points, second 1.

    E - 21, X - 24, S IS BAD


    11. The Quantum Enigma vs. Temple Of Hate

    TWELVE MINUTES OH JESSU FIOCSOSIFCUK this was a terrible idea. They take a page out of (insert some other band that I forgot the name of, maybe it was Epica)’s book here and start the song with 90 seconds of bullshit. Then the GLORIOUSE FIVE CHOIRS OF THE JANSENPOCALYPSE kick in, and we’re off. That’ll do. Epica appears to care slightly again. I’ll forgive the couple minutes of stupid shit in the middle, too, because the rest was downright fucking decent.

    Xandria has their work cut out for them to lock up the victory. Well, it was okay...not nearly enough though.

    E - 24, X - 25


    12. Banish Your Illusion (Google Music SHITTY ADDON TRACK) vs. Sweet Atonement (SHITTY ADDON TRACK) THERE MUST BE A WINNER

    Somehow, Xandria has managed to fuck this up and take it to the last (probably shitty) SECRET TRACK SECTION. OR maybe Epica unfucked it up. Well, hey, good news. We’re back to old shitty Epica once again. I mean, not completely back, but it’s still not great.

    XANDRIA BRINGIN THE SLOW SHIT. Luckily for Xandria, DvG crushes that shit ONCE AGAIN. IT’S OVER, FINALLY.

    No, I don’t fucking care that one or both of these albums had like ten bonus tracks. Get out.


    X - 28, E - 25


    REDEMPTION THY NAME IS XANDRIA. After being slightly trounced by a shitty Nightwish album and Amaranthe??????? last time, Xandria summons old Xandria non-suckitude and absolutely fucking destroys Epica and Savn, in a showdown that wasn’t as close as it ended up. DvG is the next hero of all the fangirls that aren’t idiots (few), and Xandria is stupidly #1 (for now) on the forthcoming JERKJONES MEMORIAL SHITTY EUROMETAL BAND RANKINGS.


    NEXT TIMES!!!!!!!!

    TRIPLE DUEL V LIVE: AMARANTHE VS. LAME IMMORTAL VS. DELAIN - LIVING IN THE HEART OR EQUALLY SHITTY SUBTITLE

    JERKJONES FUCKING SUCKS AT VIDEO GAMES
  • Within Temptation - Hydra (Marcelo's Most Diabolical Scheme Arrives)

    Mar 22 2014, 19:00

    This would have been done way earlier, but it made me lose the will to listen to music a few times. FIND OUT WHY BELOW!



    Jesus fucking christ it hasn’t rained here in like 30 years. People are dropping dead and disintegrating in the streets, they won’t let me pop a hydrant to spray down the local hookers, pools are at capacity, AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SPRING. YOU’RE FUCKING WRONG, IT’S SUMMER. GLOBAL GODDAMN WARMING. Just in time for me to get the fuck out of here and go find Kony for several months/years.

    Meanwhile, you eastfucks are probably STILL buried under a snowdrift. Losers.

    On a completely unrelated note:



    that video is sort of like the bible of broadcast television, and Nic Cage is your Jesus Christ.

    Apparently after their latest briefly amusing and later ear splitting album The Unforgiving, Within Temptation has inexplicably chosen NOT to go away forever. They have teamed with notable meme subject Xzibit (the reasons for which will stump scientists for millenia) and approximately 812 more guest artists to bring you Hydra, which you will hate approximately 0-7 days from now. Within Temptation is trying to be the fucking Daft Punk of shitty Dutch magic “metal” or something.

    According to Head Jerk aka Within Temptation’s Mark Jansen but more fairylike and less political/bitchy aka Robinho Westerholme, the album is called “Hydra” because lead singer Sharon “Ron” the Nobility (google translate that shit) resembles a three-headed beast of the deep when not wearing 18 metric tons of makeup, dresses, hair extensions, and LED lighting. True story. He likes that shit.

    After reading Wikipedia, I can already conclude that every person who already reviewed this album is a dumbfuck. Let’s explore why.


    1. Let Us Burn

    Okay. If I am not immediately amazed I WILL LET YOU ALL BURN LIKE DENZEL. Hey there are guitars in this band ARE THEY GOING TO ROCK YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF?????? Nope. Haven’t I heard this exact same fucking song before? Someone with a better musical ear than me really needs to do a Nickelback-style multiple-WT-song mashup to show how fucking similar they really are, because I am moderately suspicious that some evil Dutch masterminds have set up a fairymetal machine to pump this shit out every once in a while.

    Oh, right, this shit was completely forgettable and I’m starting to rethink this whole thing. NEXT. (7/10)


    2. Dangerous (HOWARD JONES)

    Well, if I’m recalling my Eurotrash music lessons correctly, Howard Jones can be best defined as “Eurotrashtriphopnotmetalwhatthefuckelectro.” Wait, fuck, it’s some other Howard Jones. THERE’S MORE THAN ONE????????? FUCK WHY DO THEY LET THIS HAPPEN I should have known, it’s some tattooed dude from (insert shitty murican metalcore band here). People, let’s agree that no one should ever have the same name, take a lesson from the idiots who make up random fucking names for their progeny, so they can successfully get beaten up eight billion times. I can tell you right now that no one in the world has the same name as me. It’s true. If you were a true internet pro stalker or Sami (if you don’t know why, you suck and should read all of my shitty journals) you would know that I’m (redacted) and I’m truthful as fuck all the time, even when I’m being a Music Dick™.

    CAN WE MOVE ON FUCK WHY ARE YOU HARPING ON THIS OF ALL THINGS, READER???????

    Your apology is accepted.

    Okay, well, if this isn’t with the eurotrash techno guy, it sounded awfully electro at the beginning. I think they used both Howard Joneses just to fuck with us. OKAY NOW IT’S DIFFERENT and there’s Howard Johnson to say something. This guy sucks, like 95% of clean voice guys. Free tip for Within Temptation: If you’re going to use a BILLION FUCKING GUEST ARTISTS you should probably get ones that are actually worthwhile and not generic fucks that have qualities equivalent or lesser than some random fuck you could just pick off of youtube in eight seconds. All bands are fucking stupid.

    Hey guys. Worlds collide. It’s dangerous. So dangerous. Dangerous. Fuck this song and everyone who was involved in making it. (6.8/10)


    3. ( And We Run, Feat. Xzibit)

    Notable jerks said this was the best song on the fucking album. There should have been more Xzibit. This is (almost) the weirdest fucking song I’ve ever heard (crown goes to Fantasia). It’s almost like WT’s goal is to find the most UNLIKELY person possible once in a while, preferably someone from a meme, and somehow jam them into their song, hammering them into your fucking brain until YOU LIKE IT, BITCH. Who’s next? Bruce Willis? Prince? Zombie Michael Jackson? Keanu Reeves? (insert dirty slut ‘murican or brit pop star here)? Oh, right, they’re way too popular, it’ll have to be a C-level version of them.

    Are you not entertained, Europe? WHAT THE FUCK MORE DO YOU WANT. THERE’S EVEN A PIANO.

    I know what you want, because I want it too. Well, don’t worry.

    His return to the spotlight is inevitable, and when it comes…he shall save us all from ourselves. And more shitty WT guest artists. I say that…and yet this wasn’t completely terrible. Without knowing much of anything about him, this is probably Xzibit’s best performance in the last decade. They somehow hit a weird balance between the two, and, well…now we know what Dutch Female Linkin Park With A Moderately Less Shitty Rapper would/does sound like. I hate myself for not hating this, and you should too. It’s okay though, we’ll hate it next week. Right? RIGHT???????? (9/10)


    4. Paradise (What About Us?) (Feat. Dat one bitch from Nightwish)

    THEY’RE LAUGHING AT YOU/ME FOR BEING SO FUCKING STUPID.

    Marcelo (off-camera): STOP FUCKING AROUND BITCHES AND SING OVER MULTIPLE LAYERS OF RANDOM GUITAR RIFFS AND SYNTH AND COMPUTER DRUMS BECAUSE I NEED CASH MONEY SLUTS DRUGS GUNS GOLD CHAINZ G6 FLYIN DIRTY SOLO Y’ALL GET DAT BREAD WIMMENZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzaaaa

    I’m gonna (being insanely predictable right here) talk about some shitty band called Nightwish and say the fuck word a lot right now. BUT DOCTA JONES HOWS THAT DIFFERENT FROM YOUR USUAL MINDLESS RANTVIEWS fuck you. You may leave if you’re a newborn shoutbox superstar and are easily offended by evil curse words. If not, I suggest you stay, because there’s about to be a fucking truth supernova.

    Fuck this shit.

    As if we needed more fucking European pseudo-metal diva in one fucking song. HERE YOU GO FUCKING OVERDOSE CHOKE THAT SHIT DOWN MOTHERFUCKER. Every asshole teenaged girl that actually listens to this shit seriously just had a popmetalwhoregasm. This had to be the work of Marcelo, cause he’s the only motherfucker that would be so diabolical. Except for maybe Tuomas, but you know he’s not fucking involved cause there’s a chick in the vicinity who SOMEHOW DEFIED HIS UNDENIABLE CHARMS, refused to throw him a pity bang and was thus excommunicated from The Finnish Club of Disney Muzak (ONE GIRL ALLOWED).

    Good fucking luck biting that pasty bullet, Floor. Desk and Rug Jansen will be proud when you JUST SAY NO and “get kicked out” two mediocre albums from now.

    ALL THAT all being said, it’s not COMPLETELY terrible. I don’t really know whether it’s me saying that, or the harpy message that they have screeched into my brain she is great kill enemies of marcelo dishwasher playstation kangaroo. But it does make my head hurt, you know, from all the female noise. Also, the brainwashing doesn’t help. THAT GUITAR SOLO IS COMPLETELY OUT OF PLACE, THE FUCK DO THE BITCHES DO WHEN THAT HAPPENS well I guess she can wave her hands around like a mental patient

    Well…that didn’t work. (7.3/10)


    5. Edge of the World

    You mean if I jump off, I don't have to listen to this?

    I’m sorry, I had to take a ridiculously long break and listen to my brain-reset playlist, which consists of crazy shit like the Pacific Rim soundtrack, The D(weird slash-o), and (insert shitty rap guy here). No, it’s not Xzibit, that would defeat the purpose, you fuck. Plus, he’s good at the raps, I hear. So yeah, after that madness, I predictably got distracted for two-ish months and did better things like work, prepare to find kony, drive, sleep, eat, drink, buy shit, win, and lose. I’m trying to tell you that literally almost everything in the world is better than reviewing another slightly-symphonic slightly-metal album.

    A song that has fucking TARJE and SHAY-RON THE NOBEL should/will make you want to die, just the way Marcelo intended. If it doesn’t then you probably have no soul and should seek therapy immediately. The power of Tarcelo compels you. GOD NEW WORD FUCKING SUCKS glad I never paid for it lol or maybe I did? I might’ve gotten some weird special Hungarian hax version that is technically legal for like 50 cents. Or I mightn’t’ve. FUCK THAT IS AN AWESOME CONTRACTION JESUS FHCIRST

    ANYWAY, RESUMING YOUR IRREGULARLY SCHEDULED BROADCAST...
    Is this Within Temptation or shitty Phil Collins-esque softery? I mean, it’s probably okay if you’re into that shit. I am not. Fucking around with it a little in the second half doesn’t help…much. Another “hey well fuck we gotta appease metalheads who think they’re not listening to girly music let’s jam this in at the last second” guitar section sounds weird. (7/10)


    6. Silver Moonlight
    AWHAOAAAA!!!!! WHOOAAOOAOAAAOOOAAAAAAAOAOAOAOA!!!!!! I dunno what Shane-Ron’s obsession is with randomly screaming/moaning/whispering nonsense in nearly every fucking song, but…fuck you Ron. This song could have been a lot better if there wasn’t SO MUCH FUCKING RANDOM NOISE AND SHIT. There’s something relatively decent going on in the front and the rest is like BAKDAKJFSGHESARGAHRGHHHHHHHBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM jesus fucking Christ just shut the fuck up

    It’s okay, but seriously I’m gonna have to dock a point for stupidity. Honestly, I think it could be pretty rad live if they could ever pull it off correctly. Yeah, that’s probably not happening. (8/10 should have been 9)

    Side note: Amaranthe and other idiots should take notes from this song on how to use their untalented grunt dudes


    7. Covered by Roses
    For some reason this wasn’t in my copy. Fuck you internet. Good thing I waste $10 a month on the googles. Anyway, this song blows. I feel like I’ve listened to this exact album, except a little less boring, a few years ago. I also feel like I already said that. I might have done this all out of order. You’ll never know. (6/10)


    8. Dog Days
    PRESENTED BY PIZZA HUT: EAT A HOT CIRCLE OF GARBAGE TODAY AND DON’T REGRET IT FOR ABOUT ONE HOUR

    Is it just me, or is this a weird fucking title for a Within Temptation song? THESE ARE THE DOG DAYS THESE ARE THE DOG DAYS…I FIGURED OUT THE FUCKING MYSTERY. I’m pretty sure these motherfuckers have no idea what “Dog Days” actually means. HEY GUYS LET’S TAKE PART OF A RANDOM ENGLISH SAYING AND MAKE IT OUR SONG LOL yeah that worked good call Bobert Westinghouse lack of effort approved your inspiration will make these last couple tracks easy (5.5/10)


    9. Tell Me Why
    This track sounds like the busted manchild of Epica and Evanescence…oh, right, I just described every WT song ever THAT JUST HAPPENED. BORRRRRRRRRRRRING I mean the chorus was okay and it was cool that their guitars were finally not completely out of place but come on show me something fucking interesting here okay, and Shurron’s voice is starting to annoy the shit out of me.

    On the plus side, it was far more listenable than the last two bullshit filler tracks. (7.75/10)


    10. Whole World Is Watching (feat. Dave)
    AND THEY ARE SO FUCKING PUMPED FOR THIS SONG

    That seems like a slight exaggeration. It’s more like a fair slice of the Netherlands, and small pockets of the fangirldom located in various dark corners of Europe. Also, about 300 weird worldwide fucks like me who just like to torture themselves with terrible music. Come on, you know it’s true.

    Oh look it’s another fucking duet with some dude named Dave. Goddamnit. No. I really did listen to this and it’s almost as bad as the rating reflects. THIS IS DONE. (5/10)


    It was so fucking good. Do yourself a huge favor: just listen to the hilarity of Xzibit, trash the rest, and continue listening to whatever weird shit you were jamming to before this atrocity crossed your path.

    IT’S OVER

    Next Time: SNYDERKONY VS. MARCELO 2014

    Ignore that it’s seriously not happening
  • Your Favorite Nightwish Songs Suck (no, seriously, this is happening again)

    Ott 20 2013, 9:47

    Yeah, I’m actually scrobbling (or, I will be when I actually install last.fm's stupid fucking shit) and shitting up shoutboxes again. We’ll see how long it lasts. In honor of this amazingly momentous occasion (no one cares), I’m going to tell you how it is...again. This time, it concerns your favorite female-fronted-and-behinded+hobbit finnish fairy fucks, Nightwish.

    It's getting kind of weird now, because Floor is clearly more of a man than Tuomas.

    How many times have you prayed to the Man Jesus for ANOTHER GODDAMN jerkjones journal featuring Nightwish? If it's more than one time...

    If it’s anywhere between zero and one, congratulations on being everyone, so here you go. This is A Shitty Journal™ I said I’d do several months ago, wrote most of it, lost interest for those several months, then resurrected it today. I’d say enjoy, but you’ll probably just end up crying or screaming BULLSHIT (or at least thinking it...ADMIT IT)



    10. (SIX-WAY MYSTERY TIE)
    GUESS WHICH SIX THEY ARE. If you can guess all of these songs, I'll be pretty fucking impressed and/or scared of your stalking prowess,

    and will be forced to write a journal (unlikely) or some other shit in your honor. It’ll probably be a crude drawing of your head on the body of an eagle with a tuxedo t-shirt, American flag jorts and a chainsaw/machete/bayonet/shotgun hybrid weapon. Trying to use my library to guess this would be almost completely useless...but you're free to try, after this is the internet, and you're in it, which means YOU'RE IN ‘MURICA!!!!!!!!!!!!! FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!! CAIN’T TAKE MAH GUNS OBAMA

    I'll just say, the fact that these are even here should tell you how thin their catalog (NOT UE, GO BACK TO ENGLANDE) of songs truly is. Then again, since I hate most music so much, I guess 10-15 decent songs out of however many fucking albums they've done isn't too bad, yeah I like disproving my own points, fucking deal with it...although these six songs skirt the line of “decent Nightwish music”, which is more like below average normal music. You can take what you want from that. I suggest you take a lot. KNOWLEDGE.

    Hint 1: Tarja = 3, Anette = 3

    Hint 2: I hate myself for liking four of them. Okay fine, all of them. But mostly four.

    Hint 3: Three are slower-ish songs

    Hint 4: fuck you no more hints


    9. Ever Dream (Century Child)
    Century Child blows (this will be a recurring theme). If you bought it like I did (?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?WHAT THE FUCK?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!)

    then you should probably just do yourself a favor and set it on fire like I didn’t. Ever Dream is probably the best track on the album if you can stomach Tarja’s semioperatic screeching, which I can only do in small doses nowadays. That being said...it’s not terrible, which makes it #9 OF ALL TIME FUCK YEAH


    8. Sahara (Dark Passion Play)

    I don’t even fucking know why this is here. This list is terrible. I also don't know who thought it would ever be a good idea to have Steve Zahn on a movie poster. It's like having a movie with Dane Cook in it. I think this song has some defining characteristics that I should be detailing right now, but I don’t even remember what this song sounds like. So much for your expectations of this article actually containing content. Of course, if you’ve read my shit before...you’re not surprised.


    7. Ghost River (Imaginaerum)
    The only obvious (to you) representative from Imaginaerum, because it is a bad album. Buuuuuuut, Ghost River rocked the fuck out of everyone’s faces, and since they didn’t know how to handle it...most everyone hated it. YOU HAVE CHOSEN...POORLY. Refer to title of journal for more information.

    The only other track I could’ve seen anyone placing over Ghost River (from Imaginaerum) was **SECRET TRACK FROM #10 OMITTED**, but alas, most people were fawning over something shitty instead. NIGHTWISH FANS LOL but seriously even though G. River is decent enough and spawned the GREATEST SIDE PROJECT OF ALL TIME AND BY GREAT I MEAN SHITTY...it’s still only #7. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BEAT IT????????


    6. The Islander (Dark Passion Play)
    AWWWWWW SHIT. The ONLY song (or IS IT?????) up in this motherfucker to feature our bearded probably-old-as-fuck as-required-by-scandinavian-metal-law angry man singer, Marco. If Marco’s not wondering “what the fuck am I doing here” every time he glances over and sees this:

    Then I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with him. Of course, three seconds later he’d think “oh yeah, money, bitches, drugs, and headbanging lol” look out upon his hordes of adoring fangirls, and continue headbanging like a fucking mental patient, while simultaneously growling better than most growlers and slapa da bass. When I put it that way, Marco’s an okay dude, I guess. Yes, I refer to my own references when deciding how I feel about things.


    ***INTERMISSION***
    Sweet fucking Christ, Ghost Rider 2 is a terrible fucking movie. I apologize to the everlasting glory of Cage...but it's A GODDAMN TRAIN WRECK. AND NOT THE GOOD KIND. At least we'll always have the unadulterated awesome of Face-Off, The Rock, Lord of War, Con-Air, and Kick-Ass. Note: if a Cage movie has a hyphen in it, it is guaranteed to be awesome. He should just put random hyphens in all of his movies to ensure greatness. Actually, Con Air isn't supposed to have a hyphen...but it still works so fuck you.


    5. Crownless (Wishmaster? probably)
    Yeah, you guessed it, Wishmaster is a pretty shitty album. Probably their second least shitty one, though. Crownless is just a fast-paced punch-in-the-face of a song, and that’s just the way I like it. I…I’ve got nothing else to say.


    4. Escapist (Dark Passion Play B-Side)

    I guess this means DPP is their greatest album, because this song didn't make the cut? No, it means Nightwish are fuckers, and have no fucking idea how to put an album together. I mean, how the fuck are two of their top four tracks not even on real albums? WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously, Tuomas should just punch himself right in the face, because this song is CLEARLY better than the entire DPP album...and that's not bad, because DPP is probably their best album. I don't even fucking know how that's possible, and I basically denied it literally three sentences ago or so, but there it is. It's fucking true, and there's not a goddamn thing you or I can do about it. Unless, of course, Tuomas kicks himself out of the band and hires either you or me to replace him. In that case, we could release an album of seals being beaten while Floor (WHAT?!?!?!??!?!?!?!) screams about government, Pitchfork would give it a 9.7 and we would bathe in cash money, motherfuckers.


    3. The Kinslayer (Wishmaster)

    spoiler alert above lol what

    Anette fans can feel free to shit on this list, since your hero isn't in the top 3. Blame Tuomas for being shitty. You can hang your fucking musical pope hats on the fact that she was around and doing things for their best album. And uh, she’s less of a fuck than Tarja. POINTS ON FUCKIN POINTS FOR DAT BITCH

    Actually, fuck it, DPP is demoted to 2nd for not including Escapist. Fuck you, Tuomnettewish.



    2. 10th Man Down (Over the Hills and Far Away)
    Over the Hills and Far Away fucking sucks. This song does FUCKING NOT. It obviously has the 2nd best opening (after the random noises at the beginning GET UP SOLDIER) of any of their shit. For once, they do without the bombastic bullshit (by their standards, anyway), and it actually works. And then there's the random dude grunty solo, which actually kinda works somehow. Still don’t know how.

    This song appears to mark Tuomas’s final act before the descent from “Sorta Weird Keyboard Dude” to “Keyboard Rapist Disney Diva Fuck” (INFLUENCE OF SAMI??? Yes.). Most REAL TRVE Nightwish fans seem to hate this song, or have simply ignored it, probably because they are instantly repelled from anything that is truly awesome. It’s more like a proto-Sabaton than Nightwish. Which I find pretty fucking strange, because like 98% of their shit seems to be derivative of something they've done before...except for the top 8 songs here (I know that doesn’t add up you fuck), because I'm awesome at picking best things from giant piles of crap. You should know that by now.

    It isn’t on a real album because (10 reasons in honor o’ 10th man down DO YOU FUCKIGN GET IT):
    1. Tuomas is retarded.
    2. Someone thought Over the Hills and Far Away didn’t suck. They thought wrong.
    3. Fuck Nuclear Blast (even though this didn’t involve them...FUCK THEM RIGHT IN THE FACE)
    4. It’s so fucking awesome that it would have overshadowed the bullshit on Century Child
    5. Marcelo’s shadow demon empire.
    6. Some random fucking dude that sounds vaguely Marco-ish is in it.
    7. It doesn’t sound like normal Nightwish bullshit
    8. Tuomas is retarded.
    9. It wasn’t named according to proper Nightwish conventions, which would have demanded a name of “Heart Lust Eternal” or “Poet’s Lament” or some other deep engfish bullshit
    10. The overpowering presence of Sami.


    Speaking of which, Sami should be proud, because this song is apparently his greatest accomplishment. Well...until he saved the world several times. But from a musical standpoint, this shit stands alone. If you disagree, well...you know.


    1. Ghost Love Score (Once)

    Once fucking sucks too...and this is almost the lone exception. Honestly, if you think any other song is Nightwish's best song, then you're probably delusional, a douchebag of whorehay proportions, or just can't stand to listen to Tarja anymore because you're all pissed off about things relating to Nightwish for some reason...which almost certainly makes you a fuck, unless you’ve proven yourself awesome in other ways. WHICH IS FUCKING UNLIKELY.

    Let me regale you with a motherfucking story of the horrifying past of one Jerk W. Jones, jerk on the internet. Several years ago, FOR SOME FUCKING REASON, the first Nightwish song I ever heard was Tutankhamen...and as you may know, like many other NW songs, it FUCKING SUCKS. Not only does it suck, it sucks for Nightwish. So I was like, hey, another completely shitty band my stupid fucking mongoloid friends like...and continued listening to bullshit like Muse and Metallica. Then, one day, I was fucking around on the internet, inundated by shitty music AND THEN I HEARD THIS SHIT. IT IS MY JAM, SON. GREAT STORY THAT YOU LOVED IS OVER.

    While the lyrics are obviously retarded, when you look at it through special Nightwish-flavored pink fairy goggles, which you really can’t use to judge real music because the compatibility protocols won’t be invented for decades...it’s quite near motherfucking perfect. And if you don’t think it’s the greatest Nightwish song that will ever be made (I guess I could see top 3 if you’re a little special and epic ain’t yo thang), or if you think fucking TUOMAS could ever do anything better, then you should probably go back to Epica and punch yourself in the face...like I’m about to do to myself for writing this bullshit.



    WORST SONGS THAT YOU PROBABLY LIKE

    1. Song of Myself
    Obviously

    2. Meadows of Heaven
    It’s really fucking bad and the end is fucking weird.

    3. Ocean Soul
    I don’t remember why, I think because it’s bad

    4. Everything before Wishmaster
    Except for POSSIBLY Stargazers. Everything else sucks. I mean, even if you account for the fact that it's Nightwish.

    5. I WROTE THIS LIKE FOUR MONTHS AGO SO MOST OF IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE...or DOES IT????

    Everything from the future featuring lead singer #3 unless it's Vibeke/AvG/Liv’s Sister which would be fucking amazing too bad Tuomas is WAY too fucking dumb to make it happen (Floor is clearly not any of those people, After Forever sucked). If Tuomas doesn't go for the scandinavian trifecta and get a lead singer from Norway, then he should clearly be removed from life immediately because he’s a fuck, not a TRVE VIKING. I'm still thinking that after Anette stops being fucking baby crazy, and after Tuomas is done divaing out after his shitty movie time, they'll probably hook back up (I don’t know what the fuck I was getting at, neither of those things will ever happen). Or they'll kill each other in a hellstorm of fire, blood, and radiation, what the fuck do I know? I know that I don't care anymore. Except for the random times when I JAM THE FUCK OUT to 10th Man Down or some shit, I HAVE MOVED ON. And you should too. As the horrifyingly boring Imaginaerum movie proved...

    It’s over.










    WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE USE EXCLAMATION POINTS WITH EMOTICONS
  • Tristania – Darkest White (We Don’t Make Sense Because That’s So Metal, Bitch)

    Giu 2 2013, 11:54

    How the fuck is there not a reality show called "That's So Metal, Bitch"? I'll even let you blatantly steal my glorious idea. Fucking Murica can't do anything right these days, seriously. I even found part of the intro.


    Hey jerks, to the delight of the frenzied neo-Tristania fans (if they actually exist), and the dismay of people who like good music, Tristania is fucking back, again. They have tossed approximately 10 gothic anger metal tracks at us, under the name Darkest White, which is supposed to be meaningful or some shit. I don’t fucking care.

    I’m probably coming into this a little biased, being that this band used to be so awesome, and I fucking hated Rubicon so much that it’s pretty much been added to my lexicon as a synonym for SHITTY FUCKING ALBUM. But, as you may already know, I’m not exactly known for my ability to maintain objectivity while reviewing, so who gives a fuck.

    All that being said, I’m cautiously optimistic (barely) that they got all their stupid out of their systems with the last one, and can work the pirate hooker in better with this album.

    Well, let’s get this over with.



    1. Number
    Okay, we have insanely generic death-ish metal sounding music to start…no big surprise here. You know, there’s parts here that don’t sound too terrible, and then angry guy kicks back in and it’s like “dear idiots…do you not know what made you good in the first place?” And the members who’ve been around for like six seconds (which is like 93% of the band) are like “wut lol shutup we make cash money in Austria!!!”

    That one big bald guy would have been good in this song. I fucking hate you, new members. Compared to Rubicon, this is still a slight improvement…but if you were expecting a return to the roots of awesomeness…PREPARE TO BE DISAPPOINTED. (7.5/10)


    2. Darkest White
    Seriously. No one lost any sleep over that album/song name. Uhh…someone thinks they’re in KMFDM or something. I guess that’s why I’m sorta digging this. God damn you motherfuckers. While there’s nothing really going on, and it’s mostly half-assed guitar solos and random grunting, I still kinda like it for some reason. I still don’t fucking know why, but this happens sometimes. (8/10)


    3. Himmelfall
    Some losers in BOXTANIA seemed to think this song was awesome…of course they said that about some of the worst fucking songs ever after Rubicon came out. So there’s that. Goddamnit, BRING BACK BIG BALD GUY. Newfuck does his best impression here though…did MaryAngellore suddenly die after the first track? What the fuck is going on here?

    Oh wait, there she is. I guess the hivemind controlling the actions of Tristania, Heroes of Gothic Metal (fuck you Zorn), has decided she is relegated to supporting chorus duty…and I’m okay with that. This song is somewhat boring, but I guess it has its merits…like, for instance, it didn’t make me want to stab my eardrums with…whatever’s closest that could do the trick…uh…a chopstick. Yeah, it’s true. The end of this actually was pretty sweet, and they let MaryEngel out of the poorly lit cell. (7.75/10)


    4. Requiem
    Sweet Jesus Cristo she’s still alive. Now, can she manage to not drag this album into the oblivion of a suckpocalypse? I mean, this might all be catchy stupid uncomplicated shit generic rock…but at least it’s not downright boring or painful like a certain album that I don’t feel like naming yet again. There’s no denying MargoAngelsauce doesn’t have dem skills like our unholy saint Vibeke of fucking awesomeness, but she doesn’t COMPLETELY embarrass herself here, and a "real" Tristania fan is probably like this

    And here comes ANGER. It really seems like they’re trying to force the old back-and-forth gruntman vs. Operatic Prostitution™ goodness that made songs like Equilibrium/Endogenisis/Libre/etc. so fucking awesome. That said…the last minute and a half was actually pretty enjoyable for me. BEST SONG SO FAR NOT THAT THAT’S FUCKING HARD TO DO (8.5/10)


    5. Diagnosis(: Suck)
    Okay, now here’s the moment of truth. Right about track 5-6 is where THE ALBUM THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED took a serious fucking nosedive and made me want to set my headphones on fire. Maybe the House Tribute Song can keep things rolling on the not-terrible keel. Heh, okay, this song makes it fucking official, as stated in the letter below.

    Un-Dear Tristania Fans,
    Greetings. I regret to inform you that this band is no longer metal. They may now be classified as pop, angel fairy rock, gothic rock (if you want to be murdered by Zorn), or any random collection of words not including metal because normal genres and classifying bands as such are for fucking idiots. So this whole thing was a waste of your fucking time. Not that you were doing anything important.

    Love,
    Jerk F. Jones, Self-Appointed Master of Genres, Last.FM Nightbox Division


    P.S.: This song was…okay. I foresee bad things soon. (7/10)


    6. Scarling
    I…think it’s happening again. Well, okay, maybe not. I guess they’ve managed to delay the inevitable for another track. I forgot what I was doing here. I’m thinking it was pretty average, because I literally can’t remember what I was listening to five seconds ago. They probably hypnotized me with the suck and then stole some of my shit. Now I’ve got to figure out what’s missing, YOU SHIFTY MOTHERFUCKERS. (7/10) BECAUSE 7 IS AVERAGE IN CASE YOU FUCKING FORGOT


    7. Night on Earth
    For a second (I spelled that sexcond at first and you’ll soon find out why)

    I thought this was Nickelback. And then GRUNTMAN, DESTROYER OF SONGS arrived on the scene. Luckily, it appears Tristania has gotten a little bit smarter since unnamed trainwreck, and they’ve decided to ditch the façade of being a gothic metal band. Now they just go for dem catchy beatz and hooks, and well it’s not completely terrible. I suppose it’s possible. They must have read my review…as anyone who’s interested in turning their band into a quality juggernaut of unadulterated awesomeness should. (7.5/10)


    8. Cathedral (Digipak Bonus Track!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
    ONCE AGAIN THEY PUT A BONUS TZACDKA IN THE MIDDLE WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAST SHITBUIASGFsd okay I’m over it. I have this because I am a worthless pirate mostly because I certainly wasn’t going to spend money on this shit after the horrors contained within (redacted). Man, I was hoping, with a name like cathedral, they’d try to turn MartyAngelos into Vibeke again and it’d just be a glorious clusterfuck of badness. And I'd have to fucking slip out of here.

    But once again, they don’t fall into their own cleverly laid trap. OH SHIT ONLY GUITAR THEY GON ROCK. Okay, not really. I wonder if their guitarists get bored of playing the SAME FUCKING THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOR FORTYFIVEFUCKINGMINUTES FUCK.

    I could have done without the most boring guitar solo ever in the middle; it reminded me way too much of a certain band I’ve successfully ignored completely since I saw their ATROCIOUS FUCKING LIVE SHOW. Hint: It’s not The National. Hint 2: It isn’t not Interpol. Hint 3: It’s Interpol. They are bad. (6.5/10)


    9. Lavender (One of these things is not like the others)
    LOL NOT ANGRY GUY WITH A SLOW TRACK WHAT????

    Luckily some other people show up and save us from what that would have been. Bad. It would have been bad. You know, while Tristania now sounds NOTHING like Tristania 1.0, (and anyone who thinks otherwise is 1. An idiot, 2. In denial, 3. An idiot again, 4. Deaf) they’ve actually managed to reform themselves into something halfway decent. While it sucks that the radness is never coming back…at least we still have Nightwish. LOL JK THEY ARE BAD. (7.5/10)


    10. Cypher
    The one dude is trying to Khan this song or something. IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE TO EVEN TRY. (speaking of which...)

    He failed. Some parts of it were okay (mostly the parts without words), and saved his dumb ass from OBLIVION. (6/10)


    11. Arteries
    God damnit. Apparently since clean voice guy got his shit on the last one, it’s time for GRUNTMAN NO WAIT HERE’S CLEANMAN TO STEAL IT. Parts of this song are actually kinda enjoyable…and I’m actually impressed that they tried until the end…this time. (7.75/10)


    AMAZINGLY BRIEF SUMMARY OF EVENTS
    1. Requiem
    2. Everything else


    THIS ALBUM IS AWARDED THE JERKJONES HALF-ASSED ZOMBIE AWARD FOR COMING BACK FROM THE DEAD AND BEING SLIGHTLY ABOVE-AVERAGE aka not as bad as shitty Indie Drake-Rock. There really aren’t any fucking awesome stand-out tracks…but I really don’t think they’re capable of producing something like that anymore. I’m disappointed. I was looking forward to reaming these motherfuckers yet again, and they had to go and be jerks and surprise me with a not-terrible album. I gotta say, that’s pretty fucking rude of them, to pull a stunt like that. This must be their revenge for all the shit talking I did. I’m not sorry.

    Side note: On what could be construed as an ominous development for everyone’s favorite pirate hooker…she was basically reduced to “Elize Ryd on a Kamelot Album” guest vocalist role here. WHO’S DOWN FOR A NEW LEAD SINGER AND ANOTHER SHITTY ALBUM I KNOW I AM FUCK YEAH RUBICON 2: A SEQUEL OF SUCK (DESTINATION DESUCKTURE) COUNTDOWN IS ON...

    Magali Luyten, Trexacious, and Anette are still available, fuckers. THERE IS TIME. And only a 91% chance that they'd all turn you down for not being metal enough. Take my advice anyway, or you will surely fail.


    Next Time: something from that stupid fucking poll probably
  • Amaranthe - The Nexus (Shitty Eurotrash Electro Metal Returns: STEP UP GETCHYO GAME…

    Apr 23 2013, 22:30

    Oh, hello, I didn’t see you there. Unfortunately (for everyone else), I’m still alive. And that means that I obviously have to review this shit, because it’s FUCKING Amaranthe AND THEIR "The Nexus", the greatest gift left to us by a true saint of the internet, the deceased king of long-winded non-sensical rants, your eternal hero, Epica124. Amaranthe also happens to be the favorite band of nDroae, shodan21, Phones666, Trexacious, Ssomeonee, Swedishgirl93, fujikiri, CGholy, Liadz, TheMattional, and everyone else on the internet who doesn't suck. This is fact, and now that it's been recorded on the last.fms, it can never be undone, until someone hacks and deletes my account in a ragestorm.

    Here’s how I reacted when I realized that this album had been out for several days and I hadn’t even fucking laughed at it publicly yet.



    Let’s rectify that, shall we?


    1. Afterlife

    Honestly, how could Amaranthe start this shit any other way? When a system works well enough to make all of your members multi-billionaire world-renowned superstars of weird fucking euro non-disney techno metal, you can’t fucking ignore that shit. I may or may not have made most of that up.

    AURAL ASSAULT, SON. I mean, there’s some pretty rad moments going on here and HEY IT’S A FUCKING 20ish SECOND GUITAR SOLO or maybe it wasn’t even a guitar but honestly I don’t even care because Amaranthe is fucking back. And they’re EXACTLY the fucking same, so don’t worry about them changing and being all shitty like...well, every other band ever. Except, of course, the genius bands like Nickelback, Epica, and Coldplay, who NEVER fucking change under any circumstances. I was going to put Nightwish here, but Tuomas and his lead-singer-firing fetish keeps that from being true. (even though I've said the exact opposite on several occasions, fuck me for calling myself out)

    The only difference being that they’re kinda shitty without changing. I thought I already mentioned that. That being said, this song is slightly enjoyable and catchy as all motherfuck. I hate myself. (8/10)


    2. Invincible aka Invisible

    Here’s hoping that it’s better than Muse’s FUCKING TERRIBLE song by the same name. That was when I first realized Muse was beyond the point of no return, and I had to abandon ship or risk becoming a fucking mouth-breathing shit bag that actually likes Muse for some reason.

    It really sounds like “invisible” when she/he/they is/are attempting to say “invincible”...whatever, it probably makes more sense that way. Brings a whole new element to the song, as you will shortly realize.

    Amaranthe: CAN’T YOU SEE WHO I AM, I’M INVISIBLE????

    Listener: God damnit, no I fucking can’t, you’re fucking invisible. STOP BUGGING ME YOU DICKHEADS.

    Amaranthe: CAN’T YOU HEAR WHAT I’M SAY IT’S A MIRACLE?????? (yes I mistyped that on purpose because that's what it sounds like so fuck you)

    Listener: Amaranthe, fuck you for making fun of my hearing loss, brought about by too many “listening to Nightwish at max volume and blubbering like a school boy that is forced to live in Tuomas’s closet” sessions. I’m quite fucking sensitive about that shit. I fucking hate you for being so callous when it comes to my varied problems and important FEELINGS.

    Amaranthe:

    Listener: I hate you for being so awesome.

    Amaranthe: said everyone ever

    Listener:

    Yeah, that’s how my brain works. (7.5/10)


    3. The Nexus

    I really didn’t know what to think about this when it first came out several millennia ago. And then I realized, oh yeah, that’s how I feel about everything they do. While it’s impossible to truly judge Amaranthe on a scale that would make sense to the humans, I’ll do my best. Well, no I won’t, but it’ll be good enough, and even if it isn’t, I’ll say that it is.

    This song makes absolutely no fucking sense,

    mostly because they don’t fucking know what a Nexus is. And it feels like they’re changing what it is as they go, I MEAN PLAN THIS SHIT OUT GODDAMNIT. Tuomas nods in approval, then cringes at the fact that there are no children whispering throughout the entire album. Fuck you Tuomas.

    STEP UP GETCHYO GAME ON.

    I’m guessing every motherfucking soccer team in...Sweden? (I forgot where the fuck they’re from and I’m not looking it up) Anyway, as I was saying, every fucking sporting team in Switzerland will be using this for their STEP UP GETCHYO GAME ON IT’S TIME TO KICK A GODDAMN BALL SPORTS FANS song for the next few years...of course this is in a scenario in which people in the real world know who the fuck Amaranthe is...which they don’t. So I’m going to stop now. (8.65/10)


    4. Theory Of Everything

    If this song is about string theory or some shit...okay, that seems pretty fucking unlikely, but then again, it’s Amaranthe. They could base an entire song on the crap Elize stepped in when she was trying to get some heroin from this one-eyed dude in Helsinki and no one would blink, so why the fuck can’t they make a song about ANYTHING.

    Okay, from what I can decipher from this song, it’s about some scientist trying to draw up some crazy fucking theory to save the planet. I’m picturing a four-minute music video of all the band members dressed up as famous scientists, (Elize as Marie Curie, obviously, yeah I admit it that’s the only female scientist I could think of...come on ladies STEP UP GETCHYO SCIENCE ON) rocking out IN SPACE. Fuck, I just made myself like this song.



    (8.25/10)


    5. Stardust

    Didn’t I just fucking listen to this song? OH WAIT NO this part is slightly different. But yeah, this is about the point where they run out of ideas, and they’re just like, well hey, copy-self made Nickelback 80 billion dollars, WHY NOT US????

    Okay, I didn’t really like this shit. I feel a little better about myself now. (6.5/10)


    6. Burn With Me

    Are they suggesting that we should set ourselves on fire? Well, I could see that, since we’re all so fucking angry at ourselves for actually digging this shit. HOLY FUCKING SHIT that was NOT an Amaranthe intro. No weird fucking synthy shit or screaming or wHATydufasjggsd oh god please no not a clean voice dude ballad. FUCK YOU GUY.



    Okay they broke it up a little bit, which is good because fuck that guy and everything he stands for. This song is slightly entertaining, but it really can’t match up with the legends of their past. (7.5/10)


    7. Mechanical Illusion

    This was misspelled on my copy of the album, but I’m pretty sure that’s because Google is retarded. Either that, or that’s how they spell it in the Queen’s Englishe. Oh yeah, that’s right, I actually fucking bought this album, to support the superhuman empire of Amaranthe. And because they’re not affiliated with Nuclear Blast, because fuck those sons of bitches and I hope they die a horrible, horrible death.

    So uh, since clean voice guy had his moment in the sun on the last one, ANGRY VOICE GUY takes the lead here and he mostly sucks. Then Elize steps in and is like look bitch let the hot chick that can sorta sing take the lead for a bit here. And he’s like AJAJJAAJANSEN FOREVER I AM THE HERO and then the song’s over and everyone’s like...well, that sucked...but fuck it, no one will even notice. Of course, me being a jackass, I didn’t really hate this. GOD DAMNIT (8/10)


    8. Razorblade



    Yeah, I’m definitely getting tired of the standard Amaranthe formula. I know, I know, modern science seems to suggest that getting bored of Amaranthe isn’t even possible, but I posit that IT IS, because that’s what’s happening right fucking now. Fuck you, Razorblade. (6/10)


    9. Future On Hold

    WHOA SHIT this is a new intro.



    Could it be a change to the...NO. Of course not. Someone should do a Nickelback-ish mashup of every Amaranthe song ever, because I’m pretty sure they’d match up quite nicely. Have they ever had a song where they didn’t repeat the name of the song in around the same area of the fucking song? I’m like 91% sure that they haven’t. Of course, if they didn’t repeat the name, it’s likely that I wouldn’t even notice, cause I’d be too busy getting jamaranthed. Sooo...I never thought it possible, but I’m losing faith in the Amaranthe rock machine. (6.75/10)


    10. Electroheart

    My first thought when seeing this on the track list: lol no fucking way this just gets better

    Second thought: already the best track on the album

    And...once again, I prove to be the master of knowledge. This song clearly destroys everything else on the album, at least when I’m listening to it in my car while breaking traffic laws. It’s pretty fucking dangerous. You should try it, I totally recommend it...especially if you drive on those fucked up euroroads that are barely wide enough for a ‘Murican motorcycle or even a typical ‘Murican citizen.

    But seriously, this song is rad as hell, and makes me hate myself exponentially more than anything else on the album. The sucktacular angry voice guy kinda takes a back seat for the most part (except for his usual Jansen-esque HEY FUCKERS HERE I AM solo toward the middle) which is great because he blows on Jansen-esque proportions, yeah I referenced him both inside and outside the parentheses thus destroying the reason for using them in the first place, fucking deal with it.

    The chorus sorta makes me want to build a robot AND TEACH IT TO LOVE. Does that make me a robosexual? No, you fucker, I’m talking about programming it to love or something, like the Borg did with Data in that one Star Trek movie, and then making it listen to this song and it’s like “ohh hey jerkjones this song makes no fucking sense and I fucking hate synth” and I’m like “NO FUCKING SHIT MURPHY THE ROBOT NOW FIND YOUR INNER ELECTROHEART SO WE CAN GO PARTY SON ALSO SYNTH IS THE BACKBONE OF LIFE” Then the robot would be like oh hey I think I’m going to become a jansenologist...at which point I’d be forced to tearfully execute it, or risk a chain of events leading to a Terminator-style man vs. machine war and the downfall of humanity. I mean, that’s probably a worst-case scenario, but it’s more likely than you might think.



    LONG STORY SHORT: MY FAITH IN THE MACHINE IS RESTORED. When we all realize that Amaranthe fucking sucks...at least we’ll have Electroheart. (9.25/10)


    11. Transhuman

    Speaking of transhuman...



    Well, that insane Robot Love Story leads quite nicely into this.

    ...

    I’ve got nothing else, get out. (7.5/10)


    12. Infinity

    WHO DOES THAT SOUND LIKE? You know, that intro totally ripped off some other fucking band...probably Nameseas...or maybe I’ve just been jamaranthing so much that my brain can no longer comprehend “music” like this. Note: according to googletotallynotwordsodon’tfuckingsueus, jamaranthing is a word. Awesome. This shit is better than Transhuman (don’t ask how I determined this, I wasn’t even really paying attention), but still not up to the level of the “best” songs on this album. SHOOT ME (7.9/10)


    BEST, IF YOU DISAGREE YOU ARE WRONG:
    1. Electroheart (Robot Love Story)
    2. The Nexus (Whatever The Fuck We Think That Means)
    3. everything else


    THIS ALBUM RECEIVES THE BABY SNYDER SEAL OF APPROVAL (BECAUSE HE MIGHT SUCK LESS THAN REGULAR SNYDER AND IS THEREFORE MORE LIKELY TO ENJOY NON-BUT-STILL-A-LITTLE-SHITTY MUSIC)

    (and if you missed that picture 1. I am sorry that you have failed, and 2. check last journal or maybe it was the one before that, do I look like some kind of magical journal directory)

    it’s a long title for an award but fuck you

    Everything that makes sense about existence says that I should hate this bullshit, and yet, I can’t.

    Sooo....I think we’re done here. By we, I mean I. You stay classy, jerks.


    Next time: fuck you imaginaerum movie leak already because no one in the fucking world is going to pay $80 for that shit
  • Wanky’s Poem - An Analysis (Descent Into Madness)

    Feb 17 2013, 7:20

    tl;dr - just skip to the end for a hilarious picture...no one would blame you

    btw I claim An Analysis (Descent Into Madness) for a song title so fuck you if you wanted to steal it

    Wanky, if you’re reading this, we miss you. We mock out of love, seriously.

    I’m doing this as the first part of a five-part saga, where Jerk FUCKING Jones, that lazy son of a bitch, does all the shit that he claimed he was gonna do months ago. Yep, it’s finally happening. I might interrupt the series with a couple reviews, though. (NEW AMARANTHE AND TRISTANIA WHAT??? they’ll probably both suck, but that’s gonna happen anyway)



    Wanky 1:1

    My handsome angel voice as deep as the sea.
    We will be together just you and me.

    Okay, this is a little confusing, because in the first two lines, she can’t figure out whether she’s gonna be herself, or the Almighty Matt himself. It seems like she settles on being herself, in the end. For reasons unknown. Unless...she actually has a handsome angel voice. I mean, people used to use the word “handsome” to describe chicks sometimes, but that shit just sounds wrong now. I dunno why she’d just randomly brag about her voice, anyway. And that’d mean this song is about herself instead of Matt, which seems pretty self-centered and multiple-personality-suggesting. But it’s possible, I mean, it’s Wanky. Bitch is crazy, yo. I mean, we tried to be her friend (lol) and it went like this.


    You're all that I need my entire life
    I will one day be your wife

    This is where shit gets fucking real. We’re all going into this like “oh hey it’s just some fangirl gushing about this dude” and then all of a sudden we’re like “lol holy shit this girl has some motherfucking issues and I sorta look forward to wading through the crazy.” The creepiest (most creepy? fuck you i don’t care) part about it is that she’s not asking...begging...she states, matter-of-factly THAT SHE GON GET THIS FUCK. If we haven’t been trolled masterfully all this time, I kinda think Matt should have been alarmed when this shit first surfaced. Unless he’s a fucking idiot. Which he likely is. Okay, he definitely is.



    Wanky 1:2

    Soul full of pain that know one knows
    Second best line of the whole thing. In a recurring theme, the terrible grammar only makes it better. IT MAKES IT EVEN FUCKING DEEPER THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE. Cause you know, she did it on FUCKING PURPOSE. She’s actually making an ingenious commentary on grammatical and social norms, and how you should be...ha I’m just kidding, she’s just stupid. You can really tell that she only lives a few miles from ‘Murica (allegedly, personally I BELIEVE NOTHING, and I’m pretty sure one of you jerks is her puppetmaster thus making us all your personal bitches for life).

    But I understand your highs and lows
    Ache for your love late at night

    Annnnnnnnnd there’s the long awaited part where this gets even more fucking awkward. The thinly(or not at all)-veiled reference to masturbation seems a little out of place, because it doesn’t go fucking anywhere as the song continues. Which, if I can be perfectly honest...is kinda disappointing. It feels wrong that I just typed that but I’m not taking it back. Anyway, it’s probably why this poem wasn’t more of a big deal. I just realized that I somehow got a fucking papercut (WHEN THE FUCK WAS I USING PAPER GODDAMNIT) and there’s blood all over the back of my hand. Which I probably should have noticed because MY HANDS ARE RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FUCKING FACE. Clearly I am way too invested in this shit.

    When I'm with you everything's all right
    Oh SHIT she dropped an “all right” on us (as opposed to the more casual and, according to jerks, technically incorrect alright) SHE MEANS FUCKING BUSINESS. This is in direct conflict with her numerous grammatical errors elsewhere, but maybe it’s all just way too deep for us to possibly comprehend. ANYWAY, I guess if you’re a weapon of fangirlian destruction forged the fires of the blackest hell-night (SATAN), you always mean business. This is why she never responds to our attempts at humor. It’s absolutely not because we’re not funny. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.



    Wanky 1:3

    A labor of love you give to me
    This is clearly where she ran out of ideas and tossed in whatever Lifetime movie she was watching at that precise moment. And then added “me” and (hilariously) attempted to rhyme with it. Kinda sounds like my creative process...Bruce Willis america harlem shake weight sportscenter. AND in a far more intriguing development, if she's supposedly Canadian, why didn't she spell it "labour"? I'm now 80% sure she's not really Canadian. They spell everything with extra vowels.

    Your music as pure as the honeybee
    It’s really too bad she didn’t choose to rhyme “me” with “tree”. Because the vast majority of The National’s music is kinda like a tree...boring as fuck and it kinda makes you want to burn something. Also it’s often pissed on. THAT JUST HAPPENED.

    Only I know how you really feel
    Take my soul it's yours to steal

    I find it interesting as fuck that she’s not really willing to give up her soul, but rather, wants him to steal it. It’s like a mental patient’s (or vampire’s?) way of playing hard-to-get. I don’t like it. Reminds me too much of EVERY FUCKING TV SHOW AND MOVIE. Fuck you, everyone who likes things.



    Wanky 1:4

    Acoustic and brave your words are sung
    Ah yes, it’s SO FUCKING BRAVE of him to mumble on and on about non-sensical Cleveland bullshit. And is every one of their songs acoustic...never mind, that sounds about right. It seems like she could have gone a lot of better directions here, but who am I to question the word of genius?

    Life without you is hardly one
    Did he go somewhere while we were here? WHAT JUST HAPPENED??? I know he hasn’t released an album in several years or some shit...but I’m pretty sure he’s still chilling in Cleveland, being a dick. I think she was probably just talking about killing herself, no big deal.

    Everything I do is to please you
    All I give my love to you

    You may want to choose a less-famous and fatter target that is more likely to reciprocate. They’ll probably be more likely to give you cool gifts like this.




    Wanky 1:5

    Matt oh Matt you are my prayer
    See, I don’t get this part. (as opposed to the other parts which made sense? I don’t fucking know, but let’s just push past it) Is she praying for him to arrive in the late-night aching-for-love sessions? Is she praying for another album so she can listen to his monotone while weeping profusely, not eating (at this point anorexia is an obvious inevitability I think), and killing small animals in tribute? I like the second option so I’m rolling with it. After I make my Youtube monstrosity (I’d say coming soon but at this point it seems pretty duke nukem forever-y) someone better throw on the Wanky mask and do that shit up like a Nightbox hero.

    You are my mind's ugly thought's slayer

    Unquestionably the greatest line of this glorious masterpiece. The misplaced punctuation only makes it better, for reasons that a normal human like you (and maybe me) can’t possibly comprehend. Do yourself a favor, and do what I did, and try using this in everyday conversation for a week or so. People at Costco will think you’re fucking insane. It’s great. And then put it on youtube. And then you’ll be an ugly thought’s slayer to all of us. Your Name Here be praised.

    You save me from a dark life
    All I ask is to be your wife

    “To reiterate, in case you were still confused about it...I am insane. Signed, Wanky Pants.
    PS: Welcome to Fearing For Your Life At Every Moment, Population: You.” Also, these last two lines needed a little rearrangement. Observe:

    You asked me for your life,
    All I wanted was to be your wife.

    Now it’s much better, as it seems like she killed him. A happy belated Valentine’s for everyone involved. Well, mostly all of us, cause, you know, no more The National.

    Wait, they’re still around? This epic “poem” wasn’t based on a true story? Why the fuck am I even doing this?

    Oh, right, it was all a pretense to show off this picture of Snyder as a baby.


    ps: okay it’s probably not him but it does look fucking exactly like him


    Next Time: Chad Kroeger Presents (A Possible Recurring Special) or a review of something
  • November 21st: The Untold Story

    Nov 22 2012, 1:50

    Trexacious was there, Phones666, nDroae, and Liadz should have been there, TheMattional wishes she was there...

    Not that I was there or anything, but I somehow acquired this, so here you go:

    "Snyder" randomly decides to go on PYX!!

    [21:55:07] Currently connected: DarealBillieJean, DrProfessor, Dyl, Jetplane, brod, bananaballz, Louise, ipodparf, chick2010, Smatt, Eatadick, Sam, MostAttractivePony, FancyLala, Segwo, arm, jmo, x4n4x, Cameo, fawe, Missy, Tyrone, Cigaro1337, PieZeroX, Gangnam_Style, Dingus, Getfucked, bab888, Theseh, frogg, ajanata, Litterbox, Nick, Gotomelonedanger, BITCHFUCKS, Leyla, Aqua, thirtyought6, MHJesus, XYZ, Qqq, fishguts, kednal, Madi, jason, Acco, PenisWenis, PissNecromancerKimbo, GretchenWeiners, nakedwalrus, spinbladex, Mokk, drop_the_skrillehammer, Water, niggas, sic, Skirr, Karlast, bbclinkbbc, MoonLogic, gayhotjesus, CarolynRae, Jerp, vaticequanimity, sparkypup, hobotooth, Cheesetoast, BuckyBear, SqweetiePie, Trexacious, bobjohnson, BootyMaster, kelsmcgelschicagoillinois, I_am_a_horrible_person, sherlocked221b, sik, ccxcx, Snyderlicious, aaaaa, Jennifferlove, robroberton, SugarPlumPinja, CornOnTheNIGGER, Rekcedin, thelonepony, Garnet, zite, dickson, Wh33ler, SPRVLN, SirSlamz, zizzy, Bwizzle, phnx, EtherBunny41, Nightingale, Kylin, KSMITTYTHE2NDBITCHEZZZ, The_Dude, Hodski, Snoipah, Fatty21, chad, InRa, Writer, snax, Genji, GlenCoco, Captain_Waff1es, derp, Potatoe, Ghoobs, maebutt, DrRockzo, Fuj, TITTIES, RedGamer, Dar, Teepz, ToastyEngineer, Apple, ReginaldFluffypants, argyle, lulz, Starscream, Zang, Niggers, RayRaySwag, flatfoot, abbysprit, Glen, RandomNPC, touchthebutt, Bmo_Thirteen, Lixyl, Cthulu, ThatOneBl4ckK1d, COATHANGER_ABORTIONS, GrunkleStan, rick, betterthanyou, Jewbagel, loco, ewewewewe, CorrosiveGenitalia, killyouhoe, Hedge, Kuninobu, Dude, Altore, Lucahjizz, CactusOfShame, Specops, JustBecauseIAmMad


    His target acquired, "Snyder" decides that the best strategy is his go-to PAY ATTENTION TO ME banter.

    [21:56:55] <Snyderlicious> anyone from Memphis? <3 <3

    [21:57:32] <DarealBillieJean> I'm eating Doritos...
    [21:57:36] <ToastyEngineer> I loved those 3D doritos...
    [21:57:42] <Snyderlicious> that's all I eat
    [21:57:45] <Snyderlicious> well that and KFC

    [21:58:14] <Snyderlicious> MOUNTAIN FUCKIN DEW Y'ALL

    [21:58:40] <Snyderlicious> I FUCKING LOVE XBOX AND MOUNTAIN DEW
    [21:58:55] <rick> shut up jew
    [21:58:58] <Nightingale> quite
    [21:59:16] <Snyderlicious> I also love the jews
    [21:59:22] rick has disconnected (Banned).
    [21:59:25] <Snyderlicious> so persistent <3
    [21:59:27] <chad> Im a jew
    [21:59:37] <Snyderlicious> GET OUT
    [21:59:41] <Snyderlicious> I mean hi

    [22:00:28] <Snyderlicious> this game is so sad =(
    [22:00:59] <fawe> YOU'RE sad.
    [22:01:19] <Snyderlicious> I am sad =/
    [22:01:25] <thelonepony> why?
    [22:01:25] <Snyderlicious> would you like to help me get happy
    [22:01:35] <Snyderlicious> ???
    [22:01:36] <fawe> are you hitting on me
    [22:01:43] <Snyderlicious> do you want me to?
    [22:01:48] <thelonepony> No <_<
    [22:01:53] <Snyderlicious> NOT YOU
    [22:01:54] <thelonepony> >_>
    [22:01:54] <fawe> Are we playing that game where you only ask questions?
    [22:02:12] <DarealBillieJean> Does it matter if we are?
    [22:02:17] <Snyderlicious> I don't play games, yo
    [22:02:25] <Snyderlicious> except Xbox

    [22:04:18] Trexacious has disconnected (Ping timeout).


    Well, that failed. (meanwhile some dude is going nuts and getting repeatedly banned)

    [22:13:08] <GretchenWeiners> damn this guy really have nothing to do?
    [22:13:25] <ToastyEngineer> Some people don't know any other way to interact with others.
    [22:13:55] <ToastyEngineer> It's common among little kids. Usually they grow out of it.
    [22:14:03] <milotic> The key word is usually.
    [22:14:06] <ToastyEngineer> Indeed.
    [22:14:10] <butts> poop de poop
    [22:14:21] <milotic> Sometimes there's those poor saps that never do. ;_;
    [22:14:36] <Snyderlicious> poor saps like me
    [22:14:55] <GretchenWeiners> I wonder what their mind set is
    [22:14:58] <Dingus> boobs
    [22:15:05] <Snyderlicious> nailed it
    [22:15:07] Trexacious has connected.


    It begins.

    [22:15:35] <Snyderlicious> HAY
    [22:15:41] <Trexacious> oh god
    [22:15:47] <Snyderlicious> <3
    [22:15:51] <Trexacious> SHIT
    [22:15:59] <Snyderlicious> fuck my game is full
    [22:16:00] <Trexacious> Is this who I think?
    [22:16:12] <Snyderlicious> is it?
    [22:16:22] <Trexacious> huh?
    [22:16:25] <Snyderlicious> what?
    [22:16:31] <Trexacious> Snyder you bastard
    [22:16:45] <Snyderlicious> oh, you don't mean that


    Then, some dude confuses Snyder for another Snyder.

    [22:16:45] <milotic> I thought you were my girlfriend's brother's friend with the same name.
    [22:16:49] <milotic> But apparently not
    [22:16:55] <Snyderlicious> I am
    [22:16:57] <Trexacious> I'm guessing this is actually His Jerkness
    [22:17:00] <Snyderlicious> are you Steve?
    [22:17:05] <Trexacious> yes
    [22:17:05] <milotic> Me? No.
    [22:17:09] <Snyderlicious> well fuck
    [22:17:13] <GretchenWeiners> lmao
    [22:17:33] <Snyderlicious> did I mention that I love Xbox and mountain dew already
    [22:17:41] <GretchenWeiners> mhm
    [22:17:43] <Snyderlicious> because that's really all I've got for you people
    [22:17:46] <Trexacious> goddamn synder let me in your game
    [22:17:49] <Snyderlicious> I'LL JOIN YOUR GAME
    [22:17:58] You have joined the game.
    [22:17:59] <Trexacious> I don't understand pony cards
    [22:18:02] <Trexacious> or else I'd join
    [22:18:02] GretchenWeiners has joined the game.
    [22:18:04] <Snyderlicious> oh fuck

    [22:18:07] <GretchenWeiners> no one does
    [22:18:09] <Trexacious> I just can't goolge every five seconds
    [22:18:11] Trexacious has joined the game.
    [22:18:11] <Snyderlicious> get in here anyway <3
    [22:18:19] <Trexacious> I did a very bad thing anyway
    [22:18:23] <Snyderlicious> what
    [22:18:24] <Trexacious> I did
    [22:18:28] <Trexacious> no I cant say
    [22:18:31] <Snyderlicious> COME ON
    [22:18:32] <Trexacious> I'm not that shameless
    [22:18:43] <Trexacious> I stole a kiss from the swett elk
    [22:18:45] <Trexacious> *sweeyt
    [22:18:48] <Trexacious> goddamn
    [22:18:49] <Snyderlicious> lol
    [22:18:50] <Trexacious> fuck
    [22:18:52] <Trexacious> at 7 am
    [22:19:03] <Trexacious> Error: You are chatting too fast. Wait a few seconds and try again.
    [22:19:05] <Trexacious> fuck you
    [22:19:07] <Trexacious> game
    [22:19:10] <Snyderlicious> damn
    [22:19:12] <GretchenWeiners> good job
    [22:19:16] <Snyderlicious> stop hacking =/

    [22:19:34] <ToastyEngineer> I have two perfect cards...
    [22:19:39] <ToastyEngineer> They HAVE to go together.
    [22:19:47] <Snyderlicious> I have NO perfect cards
    [22:19:52] <GretchenWeiners> no
    [22:19:55] <GretchenWeiners> there are
    [22:20:07] <Snyderlicious> well one is pretty good I guess
    [22:20:09] <GretchenWeiners> they're called "God cards"
    [22:20:14] <Snyderlicious> o snap
    [22:20:18] <Snyderlicious> how do I buy them
    [22:20:23] <Snyderlicious> can I use gold pieces
    [22:20:26] <GretchenWeiners> you find them
    [22:20:28] <SuperKamiGuru> Do you need to sacrafice 3 normal cards to use them?:3
    [22:20:30] <bobjohnson> oh god not toblerone i better get the disinfestators!
    [22:20:36] <Snyderlicious> TOBLERONE
    [22:20:45] <Snyderlicious> one time I ate one the size of a dodge ram


    Some bitches tryin' to disrespect our room, those mufuckas gon get got

    [22:23:43] <newbzoors> Hey everyone in our game would like to say we dont like you global chat people
    [22:23:49] <newbzoors> I would like you to know I still love you all.
    [22:23:53] <Snyderlicious> hey everyone in your game can go to hell
    [22:23:55] <Trexacious> I don't like you either
    [22:23:56] <ToastyEngineer> We global chat people are the master race!
    [22:24:01] <GretchenWeiners> lol
    [22:24:05] <Trexacious> Is there any way to non-global chat even?
    [22:24:05] <bobjohnson> well suck it new there is not alternate game chat!
    [22:24:09] <Snyderlicious> that's from everyone in our game
    [22:24:10] <Snyderlicious> btw


    Later, some jerks forsake our room for shittier rooms, so "Snyder" goes on a recruiting mission...and then the porn plot surfaces.

    [00:34:48] <Snyderlicious> WE NEED MORE MOTHERFUCKERS IN THIS GAME
    [00:34:52] <Snyderlicious> NO PONIES, YO
    [00:35:06] <DoctorPoop> i like this guy
    [00:35:09] <Snyderlicious> Zack Snyder is your DJ
    [00:35:18] <DoctorPoop> Play me some Tunes
    [00:35:21] <Trexacious> endless Rush mix
    [00:35:24] <DoctorPoop> DJ ZNYDER
    [00:35:30] <Snyderlicious> also NICKELBACK
    [00:35:36] <Snyderlicious> maybe that one song Nic Cage did
    [00:35:40] <Snyderlicious> love me tender
    [00:35:41] <Trexacious> yes
    [00:36:06] <Snyderlicious> god I listen to shitty music
    [00:36:08] <Snyderlicious> irl
    [00:36:13] <Trexacious> In like 10 minutes I will jhave to leave for like 5 minutes
    [00:36:19] <Snyderlicious> boo
    [00:36:20] <Trexacious> my neighbor is helping me move my bed
    [00:36:25] <Trexacious> and yes I mean in a sexual way
    [00:36:34] <Snyderlicious> yeah I was about to say "sounds sexy"
    [00:36:36] <Snyderlicious> get out of my head
    [00:36:40] <Trexacious> It's true
    [00:36:52] <Trexacious> My neighbor is so Zorny
    [00:36:53] <Snyderlicious> fuckin right
    [00:36:56] <Snyderlicious> heh
    [00:37:01] <Trexacious> He;s like Thomas Rainer mixed with Felipe goodness
    [00:37:25] <Trexacious> Felipe is such a Brazilian name
    [00:37:30] <Snyderlicious> sounds more mexican
    [00:37:35] <Snyderlicious> but whatever
    [00:37:38] <Trexacious> meh same thing lol
    [00:37:41] <Snyderlicious> yeah
    [00:37:41] <Trexacious> RACISM
    [00:37:45] <Snyderlicious> IS COOL
    [00:38:04] <Trexacious> I know Snyder, you were the one with the tweet sob story about
    [00:38:09] <Snyderlicious> okay this better win
    [00:38:13] <Trexacious> how "your girlfriend
    [00:38:19] <Trexacious> left [you] for a nigger"
    [00:38:19] <Snyderlicious> what was her name
    [00:38:23] <Trexacious> direct quote
    [00:38:23] <Snyderlicious> oh yeah
    [00:38:30] <Trexacious> too bad he blocked me
    [00:38:34] <Snyderlicious> well, Memphis
    [00:38:37] <Trexacious> yeah
    [00:38:42] <Snyderlicious> fuck
    [00:38:43] <Trexacious> *you blocked me I should say
    [00:38:48] <Snyderlicious> sorry
    [00:38:59] <Trexacious> no you're not
    [00:39:02] <Trexacious> you ASSSSSSSS
    [00:39:05] <Snyderlicious> true


    Short semi-game-related interlude.

    [00:52:40] <Snyderlicious> lil jon is german as fuck
    [00:52:43] <Trexacious> SASSY BLACK WOMAN
    [00:52:44] <bobjohnson> im pulling the racsist card on this one!
    [00:52:46] <Trexacious> I know
    [00:52:58] <Trexacious> ÜBERDEUTSCH
    [00:53:31] <Snyderlicious> I looked up Übermensch on wikipedia and it was just a picture of lil jon


    FELIPE THE BED MOVER ENTERS. (along with some other shit)

    [00:56:04] <Trexacious> Annnnd, there's a big scary guy at my door
    [00:56:08] <Trexacious> gtg for a sec
    [00:56:09] <Snyderlicious> GUN

    [01:00:30] <DiggerNick> gretchen
    [01:00:35] <DiggerNick> you were here when i was here like 9 hours ago
    [01:00:46] Trexacious was skipped this round for being idle for too long.
    [01:00:48] <GretchenWeiners> Im here quite a bit
    [01:00:51] <Snyderlicious> cause gretchen is fucking hardcore yo
    [01:00:54] <Snyderlicious> you don't even know
    [01:01:01] <GretchenWeiners> oh you
    [01:01:13] <Snyderlicious> :3
    [01:01:41] <GlenCoco> I luff Gretchen
    [01:02:01] <Trexacious> gretchen is so fetch
    [01:02:43] <Kailey> stop trying to make fetch happen
    [01:02:49] <Snyderlicious> lol
    [01:03:03] <GretchenWeiners> my father invented toaster strudel
    [01:03:19] <Snyderlicious> oh damn you're THAT Gretchen

    [01:03:39] <Trexacious> the guy wants to use my bathroom...
    [01:03:45] <Trexacious> this is a bad idea no?
    [01:03:48] <Snyderlicious> ogod
    [01:03:55] <Trexacious> I said yes
    [01:03:59] <Trexacious> OH SHIT
    [01:04:05] <Snyderlicious> well uh
    [01:04:06] <Trexacious> I have eyeliner all doewn my face
    [01:04:10] <Snyderlicious> lol
    [01:04:10] <Trexacious> and I didn't even realize it omg
    [01:04:11] <GretchenWeiners> theres an app for that
    [01:04:29] <Trexacious> well clearly I am in a porno
    [01:04:33] <Trexacious> it was nice knwoing you all
    [01:04:40] <Snyderlicious> good luck with all that =/
    [01:04:51] <Trexacious> and goddamn I'm stumbling all over, it's clear I'm drunk
    [01:04:59] <Trexacious> he must think I'm a major alkie
    [01:05:40] <Snyderlicious> he's gonna do THE NAKED MAN
    [01:05:41] <Snyderlicious> watch
    [01:05:53] <Trexacious> form himym?
    [01:05:55] <Snyderlicious> yeah
    [01:05:56] <Trexacious> *from
    [01:05:58] <Trexacious> oh god
    [01:06:01] <Trexacious> no no no
    [01:06:14] <Trexacious> I could see his chest ahir popping up from his v neck
    [01:06:15] <GlenCoco> dude, the naked man works
    [01:06:15] <Snyderlicious> he senses opportunity with this porn plot
    [01:06:20] <Snyderlicious> ikr
    [01:07:05] <Trexacious> shirtless twinks me like
    [01:07:16] <Trexacious> okay he's out of the potty
    [01:07:20] <Snyderlicious> did he do it?
    [01:07:23] <Trexacious> no
    [01:07:27] <Snyderlicious> welp
    [01:07:30] <Snyderlicious> maybe next time
    [01:07:35] <Trexacious> He's taking my bed out now
    [01:07:41] <Snyderlicious> oh shit
    [01:08:08] <Trexacious> lol now I just have a sleeping bag to put on my floor until I move
    [01:08:17] <Trexacious> I'm so jank
    [01:08:28] <Snyderlicious> you should have just waited until the day you moved, then set it on fire
    [01:08:30] <Trexacious> 1 pojnt?!?! This is bullshit
    [01:08:32] <Snyderlicious> it's what we do in the south
    [01:08:45] <Trexacious> I don't think I could
    [01:08:52] <Trexacious> I dodn't even have matches or a lighter
    [01:08:53] <Snyderlicious> you can if you BELIEVE
    [01:09:03] <Trexacious> okay tuomas
    [01:09:07] <Snyderlicious> in the lord jesus christ
    [01:09:23] <Trexacious> I will be like moses to the burning bush
    [01:09:28] <bobjohnson> ive got a big tank full of propane and a block of c4
    [01:09:34] <Snyderlicious> except the bush is an on fire bed? lol
    [01:09:37] <Trexacious> are you a mythbuster?
    [01:09:46] <bobjohnson> perhaps
    [01:09:50] <Trexacious> I don't know what I'm saying
    [01:09:51] <Snyderlicious> that's a lot of firepower for a bed
    [01:09:53] <Trexacious> please be tory
    [01:09:56] <Trexacious> he;s the best
    [01:09:57] <Snyderlicious> YOU ARE DRUNK
    [01:10:02] <Trexacious> Don't remind me
    [01:10:08] <Trexacious> My mother must be so proud of me

    [01:15:11] <Trexacious> lol the guy is gone now
    [01:15:19] <Trexacious> I gave him some chocolates as payment
    [01:15:22] <Snyderlicious> lol
    [01:15:31] <Trexacious> belgian hazelnut pralines
    [01:15:37] <Trexacious> damn those are good
    [01:15:55] <Snyderlicious> well shit that's not how the porno was supposed to go at all
    [01:16:12] <Trexacious> :(


    "Snyder" shows his true colors.

    [01:19:39] <Snyderlicious> oh shit we're about to lose
    [01:19:43] <Snyderlicious> lol you have one point
    [01:19:44] <Trexacious> I know
    [01:19:51] <Trexacious> I have one pointtttttatstsdhj;dxg
    [01:19:54] <Trexacious> fuck
    [01:19:56] <Snyderlicious> i'll give you one
    [01:19:59] <Snyderlicious> just don't suck
    [01:20:01] <Trexacious> good
    [01:20:11] <Trexacious> think kenya and little girls
    [01:20:17] <Trexacious> LOL WERE CHEATING
    [01:20:30] <Snyderlicious> oh i see it
    ("Snyder" picks someone else's cards)
    [01:20:38] <Trexacious> fuck you snyder
    [01:20:39] <Boogers> yay
    [01:20:43] <Trexacious> I trust you and this is what happens
    [01:20:47] <Snyderlicious> lol
    [01:20:53] <Snyderlicious> sorry =/
    [01:20:55] <Trexacious> you dirty conferderate whore



    [01:30:01] <Trexacious> you love man meat snyder
    [01:30:13] <Trexacious> because I know Zorn and your secret
    [01:30:20] <Snyderlicious> depends what kind of barbecue sauce is on it



    TO BE CONTINUED.
  • Kamelot - Silverthorn (THE ASTOUNDING SEQUEL TO MAGICIAN)

    Ott 30 2012, 22:36

    (see the title track if you want to know why that actually makes sense)

    Well, it’s about that time again. Now that I’ve finally recovered from traveling through spacetime to arrive at the less-hurricaned and thus better coast, it’s time to rock Kamelot’s world by reviewing their likely-shitty latest album, Silverthorn. I’m kinda bored just thinking about doing this, because I have clearly more hilarious projects waiting in the near future, but I guess I can bang this out, cause Kamelot’s generally at least slightly amusing...right?


    1. Manus Dei

    Apparently this is an intro track. With a name that was probably inspired by/lifted from The Da Vinci Code...it’s exactly what you would expect. Then there’s some dude talking, probably Roy “Linkin” Park, new lead singer of Kamelot. What’s that, you disagree with my previous comparison of New Lead Singer Dude to an unholy cross of that bald fuck from Linkin Park (if you disagree you’re wrong) and notable Super Jesus Freak Roy Khanatatatatatatat? Well, you’re wrong. Or are you? We’re about to find out. (INTRO MOTHERFUCKER/10)


    2. Sacrimony (Angel of Afterlife)
    See, the problem I have with this guy is that it seems like he’s doing his best impression of Roy Khan on everything I’ve heard so far. And this song is no exception. I know pretty much every Kamelot fan on here would violently disagree with me, but you probably already know how much I care. Seriously though, that shit isn’t going to work for long. Unless he changes it at some point on this album (which I doubt). SURPRISE ME, MOTHERFUCKER.

    With all that being said...they’re still Kamelot. Roy L. Park (hereby mostly referred to as RLP because his name is weirdly similar to Ray Park aka Darth Maul) does a decent job of Khanning here, and random chick rolls in in the last bit (probably the chick from Amaranthe, don’t feel like confirming that). The last 30 seconds are weird as shit and more like something Tuomas-y. But, throwing out the weirdness, it was pretty good. (8.75/10)


    3. Ashes to Ashes

    Apparently google just completely fucking exploded, so the internet is over. Well, it was fun while it lasted. HEY IT’S BACK UP I CAN FUCKING TYPE AGAIN. Did they do some computery shit to RLP’s voice to make him sound more like Khan? Because it’s seriously ridiculous. And he has a weird face. Yeah, that’s right, deal with it. Well...that was completely forgettable. I know that for a fact, because I just listened to the whole song, and then promptly forgot what I listened to.

    Okay, I listened to it again, and it’s just...meh. (7.25/10)


    4. Torn

    While RLP’s voice might not be as fucking crazy as Khan’s, he does a decent job for the most part. This could change quickly if there’s some kind of required-by-law ballad on this album (there will be, this is still Kamelot we’re talking about here). I swear to Marcelo I just listened to this same track. I’m bored. And this guy couldn’t sound more like Khan if was trying, which he definitely is. (7/10)


    5. Song for Jolee
    Who the fuck is Jolee? Well, according to Google Images (my wingman in reviews), it’s some fucker from Star Wars.

    This album makes no sense.

    AND HERE IT COMES...fuck. It’s sort of like Tony Kakko’s slow tracks. I see his point, but I don’t really care, and there’s really nothing interesting happening. UNDERNEATH THE MAKEUP, THE SCARS THAT SEE MY HEART. OMG FEELINGS WHAT now here’s where a true Kamelot fan would be like SWEET JESUS 10/10 I FAT-HEART NEW ROY and I am clearly not a true fan, so I’m like seriously you’re allowed to hate a track and the band won’t even know, don’t be scared. (6.5/10)


    6. Veritas (feat. obligatory sexy lady cause RLP gotta have dem bitches, yo)
    I randomly predicted before I even started listening to this shit that this would be the best track. Well, I figured it was between this and Silverthorn. Honestly, I picked fairly well, cause it’s right up there with Sacrimony for being the best track so far...but I’m still waiting for the Hunter’s Season/Necropolis-style clearly-awesome shit. Chick From Amaranthe is clearly missing her disco metal backup in this circumstance.

    DEATH IS THE ANSWER TO LIFE. Yeah, okay. (8.25/10)


    7. My Confession
    Holy shit is this their Amaranthe-style song? Seemed like it for a second. If it is, I am totally into that shit. NO WAIT FALSE ALARM DISREGARD EVERYTHING. I’m like 83% sure that the real Khan did this exact song before, even with the slightly-Jesusy lyrics. Seriously dude, just be yourself. Even if you suck. It seems like they’re just killing time leading up to something...and I’d like to fucking know what it is. (7/10)


    8. Silverthorn (THE ASTOUNDING SEQUEL TO MAGICIAN)

    I've never read this book. It looks like it'd be ASTOUNDING or just terrible. There is no chance it's in between.

    Okay, decent intro, now I’d like to finally rock, please. If that’s okay with you, Roy Linkin Park, since you’re apparently future of Kamelot, that is until That Guy Who Actually Runs Kamelot Who, If I Remember Correctly Is Named Thomas ElderScrolls Or Some Shit (Skyrim is fucking terrible and if you like it you should feel bad btw) pulls a Tuomas Hulu-pain and decides he wants to leer at a new eurometal singer woman while mercilessly raping his keyboard. What? Hilariously, the song features a Tuomas-esque portion toward the later middle, to prove that my point is true. Now this song features EXACTLY how Roy Jr. should be used during his tenure with Kamelot. While I’m still not a huge fan of the Khan impersonation, he doesn’t try to overdo it here. Throw in the badass backing melodies, and I am into that shit. It’s about goddamn time, you motherfuckers. THE BRINGER OF PAIN.

    There’s no way any other track on this album is better than this. Probably. (9.25/10)


    9. Falling like the Fahrenheit (see track 6)

    Yes, Elize Ryd has a black hand. The More You Know ===☆

    This better be a pseudo-rap duet with the Chick From Amaranthe, because the title is perfect for that, IT’D BE FUCKING AWESOME, it’d fit perfectly into Amaranthe’s style (or lack thereof), and all the Kameloteers would be like OH WHAT THE SHIT, FUCK THIS BAND I’M GOING BACK TO SONATA ARCTICA. And then they’d be equally disappointed and would start listening to an actually cool band like BUCK-TICK. Or THE LAME IMMORTAL. Or LANA DEL REY. Or...Opeth, I guess? Or...sigh...NIGHTWISH. Or Nameseas. Or Devin Townsend Project. Or Epica. Or The National (user deleted =()...hah just kidding they suck (with the sole exception of England). Or just some sweet sweet Nickelback.

    I think I got everyone. If I missed you, either you listen to the same crap as someone else, or I’ll let you know in the comments what you’d inspire people to listen to. Or I’ll just mock you for being a journal stalker.

    Note: I actually typed all of that while still listening to Silverthorn. I had that song figured out quickly. Which ended up being a good thing.

    Okay, so on to the actual track. The first few seconds are rad as hell, but it’s not a rap battle, much to my endless disappointment. It’s actually a pretty good track, but I can’t help but rate it down a little bit, due to a GIANT OPPORTUNITY FOR GLORY being thrown away so callously. Or maybe an opportunity to horrify the world. NOW WE’LL NEVER KNOW. (8.5/10)


    10. Solitaire
    After a rad as hell track followed by a decent track, let’s see if they can keep this shit going to not completely lose my interest. This sounds a little too much like Dragonforce...but they don’t overdo it like those fucks unapologetically do on a regular basis. It’s not quite up to the standard of the better tracks in the album, though. Also I’d just like to point out (since my TV is still on for some reason), that this song goes perfectly with a commercial for some shit that you wipe on the plastic parts of your car. (7.5/10)


    11. Prodigal Son (Essence of Putin)

    OKAY YEAH I’M USING IT.

    This is a three-part track, because I guess it’s required by ‘Murican law that our/their only native power metal-ish band (I know this isn’t true but I don’t really give a shit about the others and they probably suck anyway so shutup your face) have a multi-part epic-ish collection somewhere in each album.

    BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG

    I’m not breaking down the parts of this because they weren’t broken down for me in the totally-not-pirated copy of this I got. Man, this better get fucking crazily epic soon after such a glorified intro. If it doesn’t, then I will rain hellfire upon this album. THAT DIDN’T SOUND LIKE ESSENCE OF PUTIN AT ALL. God fucking damnit. So far this sounds nothing like Kamelot. Okay, now it does. For a ridiculously long non-symphonic track, it doesn’t really overstay its welcome, and I guess that’s the best I could have possibly hoped for, because my attention span is like FUCK THIS ALBUM I WANT ICE CREAM (8.65/10)


    12. Continuum
    I just realized that I completely forgot what their new lead singer’s real name is. Oh wait, I remember that it set itself up well for a kickass nickname, but I couldn’t think of one at the time. I mean seriously, why the fuck would you call yourself Tommy? You’re a lead singer for FUCKING KAMELOT, you need a far more badass name than Tommy. I don’t know how it is in Switzerland or whatever, but in ‘Murica, you’d have to be a serious fuck/giant douchebag or be six years old to actually call yourself Tommy. Just look at Tommy Lee. No wait, don’t, because he’s one horrifying fuck, but say you did. If you don’t know who that is, he would fall under the category of giant douchebag. And most of this band is ‘Murican, you’d think they would have told him about this fact. Maybe they think it’s funny. It kind of is, actually. I guess since it’s still the 1990’s in Europe, Tommy’s probably still a cool name or something.

    Maybe I should actually listen to this song now.

    If this ends up being an instrumental or some shit, I’m gonna go insane. Although, so far, it’s a pretty fucking awesome instrumental. Still though, through some lyrics in that thing and it’s probably the best track on the fucking album. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, had to go and pull another Tuomas. Fine, then I’m going to pull a FUCK YOU. (5/10)

    (no it wasn't actually that bad but goddamnit stop with the last-track instrumentals you fucks)


    THE WINNERS
    1. THE ASTOUNDING SEQUEL TO MAGICIAN
    2. Sacrimony (Angel of Afterlife)
    3. Essence of totally not Putin
    4. Falling like the Fahrenheit
    5. Veritas

    For some fucking reason, I bitched about Roy “Linkin” Park the entire goddamn review, probably pissing most of you jerks off to no end (which makes it more fun, obviously), and now that it’s finally time to write my summary, I’m like HAY THAT ALBUM WAS PRETTY FUCKIN GOOD LOL. Somehow, they’ve managed to worm their way into my subconscious thus forcing me to give them the JERKJONES OFFICIAL GOLD-PLATED GRILL OF GLORY. Which means, this is one of the better metal-ish albums I’ve reviewed in a long fucking time, apart from the middle of the album where they were clearly killing time for the Silverthorn-FLtF-Fortunate Son trifecta. Saying it’s one of the better albums I’ve reviewed isn’t saying a lot though, because let’s be honest here, I mostly review the shitty albums just for the infinite lols. And that’s the story of why I love that jerkjones guy.


    Next Time: Either Game of Zorns (if you haven’t figured out what that is by now, well then your last.fm comprehension is a lol out of 10), or a terrible sneak preview that will explain my failure through song, dance, imagery, and terrible voiceovers.
  • Triple Duel III: Muse vs. The National vs. Nickelback (The Triple Duel For Idiots)

    Ott 6 2012, 9:03

    Holy fucking shit, I’ve written 50 journals. I’m going to compile them into a book or something, I swear. Just so I can save them after I inevitably get banned. But only like ten of them have had actual content, and most of that content is completely composed of inside jokes and insane ramblings. So I guess I’ll just let them be destroyed.

    Yes, in case you were wondering, this is The Field (all the other jerks) vs. Wanky-Pants vs. Snyder (if you're not familiar with them, well, prepare to be confused a lot during this review). I’ve decided to donate my sanity for the cause, and SCIENCE. You’d better at least have the decency to visit me when I’m stuck in a mental hospital, after being driven insane by overload of terrible fucking music. Now, the son of a bitch in me wants to think that Muse, despite their newest album most likely being fucking terrible, will run away with this…but I think the FUCKING National might put up a fight.

    And THE Nickelback…well…they’re the most glorious band Canada ever created, and led by THE Golden God of the music/entertainment industry, a king of innovation, so who knows what they’re capable of?

    To do this, we’ll take Muse’s new album (The 2nd Law)
    The National’s most recent album (High Violet from 2010…DAMN U SOME PROLIFIC MOTHERFUCKERS)
    And…*choke back vomit while I start the download* Nickelback’s Here And Now. Someone wrote “impeccable” in the torrent comments. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

    I wouldn’t suggest listening along with me. Unless you like all of these bands. In which case, I hate you. Random intro-ish tracks may be removed because Muse is/are fucking jerks. Oh yeah, and Anette left Nightwish, lol


    1. Supremacy vs. Terrible Love vs. This Means War
    I might be crazy, but I’m pretty sure every song by Nickelback (at least on this album) is named after a terrible movie. Not gonna bother to check imdb,

    but I’m going to accept this as fact. Well, Supremacy started almost acceptably, and here’s Matt to bitch about society. Fan-fucking-tastic. Nothing actually happened in this song, by the way, except for Matt screaming about bullshit, and in the end, about nothing at all. It’ll probably still be better than the other two though…right?

    Here comes the second National song I’ve ever listened to. Either this song makes me smell burning, or the building is on fire. Either way, I hate this song. Matt Berninger’s (hereby referred to as Matt 2.0) voice makes me want to slam my head into the wall. I get it, you’re bored with life or something, FUCKING DO SOMETHING. Nope, still droning on nonsensically. Great. OH SHIT HERE COMES SOME FUCKING NICKELBACK, SON. I’m just waiting for Nickelback + Avril, then my life can finally be complete. Or, my life can finally end. I’m not sure yet. Anyway, this shit is about what you’d expect. But, simply hearing the Chadster do his terrible thing to all of us (or just me since you jerks are jerks and will never listen to this and thus won’t feel my pain) was a lot more entertaining than Wanky’s Messiah’s borefest.

    (In order from least shitty to most shitty) Muse, Nickelback, The National


    2. Madness vs. Sorrow vs. Bottoms Up

    (Muse as a robot)

    Hello, my name is Muse, and I name my songs after random words. Fuck you, Matt Bellamy, and everything you stand for. Also, your wife’s middle name is Gary. That means she used to be a man, dawg. Hey guys, good news, Muse has completed the transition to shitty Britpop or whatever the fuck band. You may all celebrate, or do whatever you were planning to do on this special day. Or maybe they already completed the transition two albums ago. Regardless, this shit is fucking terrible.

    Skipping the rest…HEY it sounds like The National might be ready to actually start the album. No…wait…no. I really need to dub over a National song with my impression of Matt 2.0’s voice. It’s still far more listenable than Muse’s shit. Actually, I’ll go as far as saying that this song is NOT COMPLETELY TERRIBLE. Shocking, right? NICKELTIME. Ladies…contain yourselves. I mean, don’t get me wrong, this is one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard...but once again, Nickelback salvages second place, thanks to Muse taking a turn for the truly awful. What the fuck is about to happen here?

    The National, Nickelback, Muse


    3. Panic Station vs. Anyone’s Ghost vs. When We Stand Together
    This review is making me lose the will to live. BUT I WILL COMPLETE THIS BULLSHIT. Just listen to Panic Station for yourself, and you’ll hear why I just want to END THIS SHIT NOW. How the fuck did these dickheads fall so far? And how the fuck does anyone like them anymore? Well, I guess the last minute was sorta listenable, but I might have just been getting psyched cause the song was almost over.

    Well, clearly, this is The National’s battle to lose, since Muse and Nickelback are now roughly equals. Uh…I just blinked and the song was over? Okay then. Maybe I just passed out from the sheer forgettablility of it all. Wait, what the fuck? Is the Chadster singing about something political right now? Like, not about getting drunk or nailing a hooker? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? This shit is fucking hilarious.

    They’re all equally terrible. NO POINTS FOR ANYONE. Next.


    4. Survival vs. Little Faith vs. Midnight Queen
    Maybe Muse is ready to not suck? HAHAHAHA WRONG. Jesus fucking Christ, these motherfuckers are so full of themselves, it just pours out of every second of their music. Right into your fucking face.

    And then you’re choking on it and Matt Bellamy is all like HEY BITCH WHY AREN’T YOU PROTESTING SHIT OR BEING IN THE OLYMPICS??? Well, because fuck you Matt, that’s why.

    I smell the burning again so IT MUST BE TIME FOR THE NATIONAL. Maybe I have a mild synesthesia that’s only activated by The National. Honestly, these fuckers would probably be the perfect band to listen to before going to sleep, because absolutely nothing is happening EVER, and it sort of makes you want to die a little bit. Ahh…and here’s THE Nickelback at their finest. Did I say finest? I meant gouge my fucking ears out. Somehow, Muse ends up being the best. Fuck this shit.

    Muse, The National, Nickelback


    5. Follow Me vs. Afraid of Everyone vs. Gotta Get Me Some
    Okay, I can’t deal with this much suck in one sitting. Especially when facing the prospect of actually listening to a Nickelback song named “Gotta Get Me Some”.

    The rest of this will clearly have to wait for at least a week. Okay (12 hours later), now that I’m not listening to any of this shit…I am finally at peace with the world. Here I am, over five days later…and I think I’m ready to do this. I am properly desensitized once again.

    FOLLOW ME BACK INTO THE SUCK. Seriously, if you’re not listening along, you’re missing out. Why does England have to ruin everything? Muse used to actually be a sorta-decent weird rock band (as evidenced by my 2k-ish plays of them which I refuse to delete because HISTORY and anyone who wipes their history is most likely a tool that actually cares what people think lol) and then, in true British fashion, THEY FUCKED IT ALL UP. Follow Me is a little better than the last few train wrecks…but still pretty bad.

    Hold on, our patron saint of Boring Fucking Indie-ish Music, Matthew X. Berninger, has something to say. And it’ll probably make you pass out after hearing it. Actually…this one isn’t completely terrible. I’d go so far as to call it above-average. There is ACTUALLY SOMETHING HAPPENING instead of Matt 2.0 killing your soul with a monotonic borefest. I blame this week-long break I just took. Luckily, Nickelback is up next, to restore the suckitude. Despite the Canadian God of Metal Chadimir Kroeger attempting to carry this song to glory, it’s just…bad. I really wish Nickelback would win this thing for hilarity’s sake, but I think it’s impossible at this point. The Matts are starting to pull away.

    The National(9), Muse (9), Nickelback(6)


    6. Animals vs. Bloodbuzz Ohio vs. Lullaby (oh you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me)
    And now they’re borrowing song names from each other. Honestly, Muse and Nickelback should just switch lead singers to complete their hellish transaction. I’m confident that Canada would welcome their new messiah, and Chad Kroeger in the UK permanently is both good for those poor northern ‘Muricans up there, and would make excellent fodder for a British movie or sitcom. Don’t worry, I’ll look into it. If I can’t make it happen live-action style, I’ll steal nDroae’s idea and make it with the Sims (which I already plan to do for something else).

    I’ve started to ignore Muse’s shitty lyrics completely, which I think has made the album a lot less annoying. Seriously, Muse, you’re part of the problem, if anything. So, I suggest go kill yourselves like true hardcore rock stars. Word. After I adopted my new strategy, this song wasn’t bad. AND NOW HERE’S YOUR UGLY THOUGHT’S SLAYER HIMSELF. Yeah, not surprising, they’re back to their usual boring selves. Seriously, why does everyone like this guy so much? Is this song about vampires? Cause apparently Matt 2.0’s on a blood buzz. Was this shit in Twilight? If not, it should have been.

    Oh god a Nickelback ballad…just what I’ve been waiting for. SO JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES HONEY HERE COMES A LULLABY. FUCK. Nickelback would be approximately 42% better if the Chadatron randomly tossed a “fuck” into otherwise shitty Nickelback lyrics. They’d still be terrible, though.

    Muse, The National, Nickelback


    7. Explorers vs. Lemonworld vs. Kiss It Goodbye

    Artist's rendition of the planet of Lemonworld.

    This song better be about Vasco da Gama (and how he invaded Lemonworld). No, not at all. Therefore, it is automatically in last place. I have spoken. Also, Muse’s slow songs are usually shitty. This one is no exception. And they all sound almost exactly the same. DOES THAT SOUND LIKE ANYONE ELSE YOU KNOW?????

    Lemonworld should be an ice cream flavor. Or an actual planet where everything tastes like lemon. The only problem is that the name is a little too similar to lemonparty (if you have to ask, you don’t want to know). I think they did that shit on purpose. Ddddddddddddddddd (this is half of the chorus of this song…no, it really is) YOU AND YOUR SISTER LIVING IN LEMONWORLD. So it does exist. Either I’m not paying attention, or these lyrics make no fucking sense. Maybe it’s just all the dddddddddddddddddddd.

    OH SHIT HERE IT COMES. KISS IT GOODBYE, DAWG. I don’t want to know what he’s talking about now. Is there any research into the possibility that Chadimus is mentally retarded? Because these lyrics would tend to indicate that he…oh wait I guess he’s just Canadian. English is probably his second language…good for him for trying. I hope he enjoys the free point Muse gave him.

    dddddddddddddd, Nickelback, Muse


    8. Big Freeze vs. Runaway vs. Trying Not To Love You
    Is Muse going to try to talk about the end of the universe, now? Probably just some thinly/not-at-all veiled shit about the downfall of society. Muse sez:

    Or maybe it's the opposite? Oh wait, I’m not paying attention to the lyrics. FUCK YOU I CAN’T HEAR YOUR WORDS. You know, even Muse at their worst (the last album) has generally had at least one or two semi-enjoyable tracks on each album. On this one, the count is at zero. And this one…well, it’s not changing anything.

    Is it just me, or does Matt 2.0 sing every song like he’s hunched over in a corner, preparing to hang himself? Hey guys: He’ll never be no runaway…because he won’t run. I FUCKING GET IT. That is some goddamn lyrical mastery right there. Are they going to make me give points to Nickelback again? I can’t believe I actually downloaded AN ENTIRE NICKELBACK ALBUM just for this. What the fuck is wrong with me? Well, other than the obvious, of course. I know this is equally obvious, but I’m pretty sure I’ve heard this Nickelback song before. GOD DAMNIT. I’M TRYING NOT TO LOVE YOU…BUT IT MAKES YOU LOVE YOU MORE. What? I FUCKING nbm nbmm ,nkn bn bmhm n, nmbn bmn mbn mbjnhbj m mnn bmhn bmhn bm bnm. That was me slamming my head into the keyboard like ten times.

    Oh yeah, and this album sold well over a million copies. Burn the world. Everyone gets nothing.


    9. Save Me vs. Conversation 16 vs. Holding On To Heaven
    Apparently The Other Guy From Muse sings lead on this one. He has a really long name and thus I’m not looking it up. Lord Westchestersonshirefieldo’connell or something like that. I think he looks something like this:

    And, if the first few seconds are any indication, he’s not very good. He sounds exactly like someone I’ve heard before…but can’t remember who. Honestly, it sounds like a completely different band with him singing lead. Of course, they’re still bad. Jesus, that song gets annoying fast. Check it out and see what I mean.

    Oh yeah, conversation 16, I remember that one. It was a good one. I assume it’s named that way because Matt 2.0 and his SOUL FULL OF PAIN THAT NO ONE KNOWS has only had like 20 conversations in his life, and this is a detailed account of #16. He remembers so much because he has some kind of creepy fucking scrapbook containing shit from his conversations. Also, he murders the people who he talks to and puts their faces in the book. All that being said, this song is surprisingly decent. I guess it’s true what they say (if you accept my word as fact like I do); fucking psychos DO make the best music. Just smile and nod.

    Holy shit, is the Chadster singing about Avril Lavigne in this song? Oh right, this is basically the same ballad-ish shitty love song he’s been singing for about 15 years. Fuck you, Canada, for ruining music for the world.

    The National(17), Nickelback(11), Muse(14). Yeah that’s right, fuck you, The Other Guy.


    10. Liquid State vs. England vs. Everything I Wanna Do
    Nickelback can still steal second place. Muse can still steal the victory (seems more unlikely). Matt 2.0 would have to completely fuck it up to lose now. Well, The Other Guy does a little better with this song, but I can’t help thinking that Matt 1.0 would have been better here. STICK TO PLAYING THE BASS OR WHATEVER YOU DO HERE, YOU FUCK. Well, actually, the band is a lost cause anyway, so do whatever the fuck you want.

    I’m totally doing a cover version of a National song…I think I already said that. I think I’ve got the Matt 2.0 voice down. If you want a mental reference point in case I never actually do this, the voice is somewhere between a cow, a nonsensical hobo, and Johnny Cash if he was yawning throughout a song. Once again, this song actually isn’t terrible, and it appears that the National has locked up their greatest victory ever: BEATING OTHER SHITTY BANDS. The last minute of the song is actually pretty good, honestly. I knew I should have picked someone else.

    FUCKIN LISTEN TO DEM GUITARS, SON. YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK IS ABOUT TO ROCK??

    Okay, I’m done with you, Chadlicious. Maybe Nickelback + Avril will be better. Seems unlikely.

    The National(20), Muse(16), Nickelback(12). THE END.


    11. The 2nd Law (both parts, a DUBSTEP TOUR DE FORCE) vs. Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks (FUCKING WHAT???) vs. Don’t Ever Let It End (no please do FOR THE LOVE OF MARCELO)
    It’s all a foregone conclusion, but I’m gonna do this anyway. Because I’m awesome.

    Here comes the fucking truth, people. The first minute or so of the Dubstep Tour de Force…was fucking awesome. And then the informational chick voice starts up and I’m like…OH FUCK YOU MUSE WHAT THE FUCK. And then…ROBOTS AND DUBSTEP. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKAY. After about a minute of dubstep nonsense (yes this is me breaking down a track for the first time in this “review”)

    it settles into a decent rhythm, followed by Matt going into Gau mode and falsetto screaming something like
    UUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHOOOOHHHHHH UUAAHUUUUHHHHUUUUUU
    AAAAAAAAAUIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUWAOUU~. Yeah, those are the lyrics.

    Man, this is a goddamned shocker, Muse is taking the next big popular thing, and haphazardly pasting it into their newest album. LIKE THEY DO EVERY FUCKING TIME. For instance there was the time three albums back when they sounded exactly like Radiohead, and then two albums ago when they went all euroelectrofuck, and when Matt Bellamy became the UK’s new popstar hero on the last one. Congratulations, we’ve solved Muse.

    Then you’ve got the second part. Hopefully, it’s more dubstep hilarity. Fucking shit, here are the voices again. Muse, you can stop fucking preaching to us now. We get it, you’re millionaires that CARE. Or you’re just doing what every other shitty preachy band does, and exploiting current events. By the way, there’s nothing going on in this final track of the album. Big fucking surprise, right?

    The National actually ends the album on a decent note, with at least 3 out of the last 4 tracks being somewhat listenable. Not bad for a review that I fully expected to be a COMPLETE TRAINWRECK. Honestly, their album was the only one out of the three that I’d consider actually putting on my permanent playlist. I probably won’t, though.

    I’m not listening to Nickelback again. I just spiked my headphones. THIS IS OVER.


    Next time: Kamelot RIDES AGAIN.


    My ear is bleeding.