Mag 28 2008, 13:42
splatterhouse is an awesome term its so gory you know as soon as you walk in you're going to slip in a puddle of blood bt there will be a laugh track because its like BIZZARRO BANANA PEEL and then the laugh track obviously is dead people and they'll keep laughing and get closer and closer and they form into monsters with eyes dragging on the floor and tongues for belts nad faces where dicsk should be and vaginas where legs shold be and they're closing in on you and all youu have is one bullet
FUCKING SPLATTER HOUSE USE MY SHOTGUN AS A BASEBALL BAT FUCK YEAH WOO
and then holy shit these guys seemed too easy they died in a few hits and man where did all this blood come from and why cant i take off this fucking mask oh a door i think ill continue OH WHAT A CUTE TEA PARTY holy shit the tea is ACID AND ITS SPITTING AT ME now i have to break the teacup and HAVE A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE as you vomit from the smell which neutralizes the acid and makes it water and you have yourself a drink
and you feel EYES
DOWN YOUR BACK and you grab a table leg and start beating a teddy bear becuase hey ive played splatterhouse three and OH FUCK WE GOT YOU ITS COMING FORM THE BOOKSHELF
THERE ARE FLYING BOOKS WITH TEETH and they burrow into your body parts and you have to reach inside yourself and pull htem out!
and after you pull out all the books the last book has a heavy page the page is made out of STONE and carved within this page is a LETTER
it says USE THE FIREPLACE
so you get a plunger from the bathroom, but oh its not going to be that easy
the bathroom is full of ants with wings and fangs and they're dripping goo that slows you down adn theres like FIFTEEEN OF THEM and you have to punch punch punch them while they fly through the air and get you stuck and you cacn only turn in two directions
when you kill them all and get the plunger you suction cup your way up the fireplace to the moon and the MOON HAS A BABY FACE IN IT BUT ITS NOT AN ORDINARY BABY
ITS A VAMPIRE BABY
and the vampire baby whispers something but you cant hear it over all that static and yourel ike THERES TOO MUCH STATIC and the vampire babys VOICE IS STATIC and so you have to listen really hard but while you're trying to listen to vampire baby tell you how to get jennifer back there are WOLVES with BASEBALL BATS pummeling you and you have to disarm every single one of htem
and you get their bats and throw it at the baby who keeps going off on tangents and the wolves are tearing at your clothes and now your favorite jumpsuit is fucked and you still cant get the mask off!
then you jump off hte roof and run into the forest!
THATS WHAT IT SHOULD BE
NOT THIS BULLSHIT: