Lunedì 4 Feb 2008, 6:31

my friend sakspazz (sakmaz) posted this in the introductions of the Surf Vibes group, and it was just too good to let slip between the digital cracks. enjoy.

Hello!

My name is Sakmazmemainmazzoe or something along those lines. I like this place, other places, lying, kites, you, and throwing babies against walls.

I don't surf, actually. So why would I belong to this group? You see…the ocean draws me in..like, that salty, unhealthy, unfriendly, murky, cold mass of water (with dead people and fish in) seems really enjoyable.

I like it when turds float around too. I like to chase floating turds - I just call 'em floaturds - across small waves..whilst they bounce on the..lip, like little happy brown surfers with corn and bumhair for hair. I swim particularly well when there's a bunch of boogie-kids right next to me, crunching it out with 'em plastic bags for boards. I like to pull down my pants at them and shout "candy's right here, kid".

My favorite pastime in the ocean would be (semi-)drowning. I totally relish that feeling when an ol' 29 footer hits you on your chin, and you begin suffocating with terrific intensity. You start having trans-vivid dreams about what it would be like in an ocean hell, filled with seaweedjellyanimals ass-inating you.

I never had a surfboard, but I wish I did. You see, it serves as a valuable weapon against little kid rats with those inflatable sea-tires, and old people with g-strings. I can surf on, in, and over their heads and hopefully cut their heads off in the process. Then I'd mount them on my surfboard - perfectly, to such an extent that people would think it's a shrine and start to follow my surf prophecies.

I really enjoy surf-music too. Slide guitar, slide drums, backslide bass, and slime vocals: these are the inspiring elements of surf-music-ism. If you combine them, add a little pepper, some parsley, a whole lot of beaver, boobs, whiskey, and floaturds, you would rock it like 1993.

So please join me as I embrace the surf water like it was my own liquid child. I love and will love and sometimes hate the ocean, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm not a surfer. Let's surf it out, or imagine that we can, unto heaven's lips itself.

Surf's up, motherfuckers.